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$ merely to become willing $
posted: Thursday the 26th of February, 2015 09:40:23 AM

 

to make amends to all those people.
one of the things i hear the most from my peers, when they are fresh in recovery is the desire to rush out and reforge all the relationships they tromped all over in active addiction. i get that, i know that once the red cloud of rage started to subside, and i got a few weeks away from my last use, i wanted to jump in and fix everything, as that seems to be part of my DNA. in those says, it was not about remorse, at least not
on the surface, i am fairly certain that deep down i was feeling remorse for my actions and wanted to seek forgiveness from those i hurt. i was still months away from being able to that i had any part in any of that stuff and i was seeking a quick fix, one more “I'm Sorry,,” for the road.
today? well after four EIGHTH STEPS and the same number of NINTH STEPS, i am not there any more. yes, i feel guilt and remorse over what i do in the here and now, i have something far better than an accumulation of my wrongs until my next go around with the steps, i have a TENTH STEP and the ability to right the wrongs i do in near real-time. even better, i have a manner of living that reduces the behaviors and reactions that cause that sort of harm. there is something that i do feel a twinge of conscience about, and that is declining to take a call from a friend who once again finds himself an unwilling guest in the Boulder County Sheriff's Bed and Breakfast. there was once a time when i would have been all over taking his call and doing what i could do to make his stay less heinous. today, well not so much! i really do not want to pay to hear his most recent tale of woe and victim-hood. on the other hand, i am probably the last person that is still n his side and i do feel a bit bad that he will see yet another birthday behind bars, unless something amazing happens.
so the question boils down to, is not taking his collect calls, doing any real and measurable harm? is there really anything that i can accomplish, by listening to him chatter on about how everyone fVcked him over, how his life sucks and how NOW he really is ready to do something different, and can i use my service position to come and see him face to face. the answer, right here and right now, is not so much. i think he needs some time to clear out his head and get over the fact that i am not jumping to his beck and call. i myself, need some time, to consider what i am willing to do or NOT to do for him. as the years have been grinding by, in this particular relationship, i am less and less willing to take care of his stuff, his finances or clean-up the piles sh!t, he usually leaves behind. anyhow, that is my thought fr today, time to go make the donuts!

∞ DT ∞

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

∞ using remorse ∞ posted on: Sunday, February 26, 2006 by: donnot
δ remorse is no longer an instrument i use to torture myself. Δ posted on: Monday, February 26, 2007 by: donnot
μ i remove some of the power of remorse when i face it squarely. the Eighth Step does not ask … posted on: Tuesday, February 26, 2008 by: donnot
δ as i become willing to clean up the damage i have caused, Δ posted on: Thursday, February 26, 2009 by: donnot
¨ while living in active addiction, i left a trail ¨ posted on: Friday, February 26, 2010 by: donnot
Æ the Eighth Step offers a big change from a life Æ posted on: Saturday, February 26, 2011 by: donnot
ℜ my remorse can be intensified by thinking that i cannot ℜ posted on: Sunday, February 26, 2012 by: donnot
† i stumbled through active addiction, † posted on: Tuesday, February 26, 2013 by: donnot
♣ i will use any feelings of remorse i may have ♣ posted on: Wednesday, February 26, 2014 by: donnot