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Mon, Nov 24, 2008 08:32:58 AM


σ there are days when i wallow in self-pity. it is easy to do σ
posted: Mon, Nov 24, 2008 08:32:58 AM

 

self-pity can arise from living in my expectations, instead of, in the world as it actually is. the irony of this reading is that it it always falls so close to thanksgiving day. wah-wah-wah, is hardly a refrain when the season is all about gratitude, on so many levels. this also reminds me of another line found in the literature of the fellowship in which i recover, namely that expectations are premeditated resentments.
bur while all of that is quite academic, it does provide an entry point into my semi-random brain wave dump this morning. i understand the feeling of self-pity, not from some sort of clinical perspective, but from the perspective of having to live through it;. as i think back to my days of active addiction, i lived in a state of self-pity most of the time. feeling grateful for what i had, was hardly ever something that happened. of sure, there were times, like on my wedding day, when i almost got enough drugs, booze, attention, money and gifts. that was an exceptional day, and even then, i probably found something that was not to my liking, it was just my nature.
early recovery was hardly any different. where were all the things i was promised? yes that is right, the fellowship that propelled me into recovery, had twelve (count them) explicit promises, and i had expectations of getting my due the second i got clean. by the time i actually heard the message in the fellowship that became my home, i had built up a bit of a resentment, and it was starting to show. making the switch to a single promise, that had already been fulfilled, created my first sense of being grateful that i had a program of recovery. up until that time, recovery, for me, was something to be endured, and endure i did.
all of this is ancient history. this morning, what is my reward for staying clean and living a program of recovery? well the opportunity to make a conscious choice to live a program of recovery this morning. no longer is my life in recovery something that is foisted upon me by outside forces. the freedom from active addiction allows me to choose to live or not live clean. this creative freedom, is something that fills me with gratitude just thinking about it, and the reward is beyond my wildest dreams. so off to stop the aging process and make my deposit into the bank of physical fitness, for this is also a gift that i am grateful for, -- THE DESIRE TO DO MY BEST TO LIVE AS WELL AS I CAN, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

grateful for my life? just as it is today? 153 words ➥ Wednesday, November 24, 2004 by: donnot
↔ thanksgiving, expectation and gratitude  ↔ 306 words ➥ Thursday, November 24, 2005 by: donnot
∞ i may have expectations about how my life should be in recovery, expectations that are not always met. ∞ 515 words ➥ Saturday, November 24, 2007 by: donnot
⊄ when the world does not measure up to my expectations ⊄ 614 words ➥ Tuesday, November 24, 2009 by: donnot
⊗ at times i entertain the thought that staying clean is not paying off ⊗ 739 words ➥ Wednesday, November 24, 2010 by: donnot
♥ i HAVE been given much in recovery; staying clean DOES pay off ♥ 625 words ➥ Thursday, November 24, 2011 by: donnot
› the more i try to make my life conform ‹ 441 words ➥ Saturday, November 24, 2012 by: donnot
〈  there are certainly times when i entertain the thought 〉 819 words ➥ Sunday, November 24, 2013 by: donnot
• acceptance of my life, • 666 words ➥ Monday, November 24, 2014 by: donnot
🙋 gratefully recovering 🙌 616 words ➥ Tuesday, November 24, 2015 by: donnot
😨 self-pity arises 😭 857 words ➥ Thursday, November 24, 2016 by: donnot
🌃 adjusting my expectations 🌃 421 words ➥ Friday, November 24, 2017 by: donnot
😒 on finding 😩 333 words ➥ Sunday, November 24, 2019 by: donnot
🤔 peace of mind 🤯 480 words ➥ Tuesday, November 24, 2020 by: donnot
🤓 staying clean 🤑 416 words ➥ Wednesday, November 24, 2021 by: donnot
🌻 living in 🌼 506 words ➥ Thursday, November 24, 2022 by: donnot
🎊 hospitality 🎊 430 words ➥ Friday, November 24, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

1) If any one should wish to get the kingdom for himself, and to effect
this by what he does, I see that he will not succeed. The kingdom
is a spirit-like thing, and cannot be got by active doing. He who
would so win it destroys it; he who would hold it in his grasp loses
it.