Blog entry for:

...how far short i fall of my ideals, so overwhelmed that i fear there is no chance of becoming the person i would like to be.
wah - wah - wah!
and now for something completely different.
i can learn to accept that i am who i am, with traits, abilities, and behaviors that are admirable, and the flip side traits, attitudes and behaviors that are far from stellar. that, my friends, is known as the human condition. the choice of how i deal with being human, is mine and mine alone, BUT there is a method of living that provides me tools to put all of this into proper perspective. no it is not going to meetings, although that does help, no it is not having five or six or more service positions, that seems to make things worse. how do i know? well i have tried both of those actions as a substitute for the REAL deal, and in the long run, my acceptance of being just another human being was suppressed, oppressed and generally absent. what i am talking about is living a program of active recovery, which for me, has come to mean, continual step work, periodic meetings with my sponsor, really letting my trusted peers be a part of my life, and oh yeah, that other stuff, meetings and some service work. what i have found is that by working the steps on a continual basis, no matter what the pace, i am always living the steps, particularly the one with which i am currently engaged. my program is active, rather than reactive, and as such require less of the corrective actions that are contained in those same steps. yes there are things, defects of character, shortcomings, and less than savory behaviors that need to be changed, BUT it is not my job to change them, it is my job to accept myself the way i am right now, let go of those things and surrender to the process of change that being in active recovery engenders.
so where to go today? well i need to get some work done. i need to get some more presents for the holidays and i need to get some time to just relax, oh yeah, and i need to find some time to take care of the men who have chosen me to be their sponsor. certainly a full day, so my surrender to who i am, will start right now. off to the showers and into the cold world of reality.

∞ DT ∞