Blog entry for:

the months and years of working the steps and living life in active recovery.
something for nothing was certainly one of the things i worked for when i was using, why would it just disappear now that i am clean? it did not, and the echoes of that still ring in my head today, if there appears to be an easier softer way to get what i want, i naturally gravitate towards that path. my experience has shown me, that appearances can be deceiving and that what looks like a quick way, is often fraught with peril and ends up costing much more than i am willing to pay.
which for no particular reason brought me to a relationship that i thought i had resolved within me. this friend seems to expect that i comply with the terms they set and that they are free to disregard my feelings and my desires. they keep saying things like: “despite our difficulties in the past,” “we have to sit down and talk,” and “that which has come between us“ and then nothing, no action, no moving forward, just the roar of silence. i might come to the conclusion that all they say is just to salve their guilty conscience, but today, i am doing my best, not to ascribe motives to anyone's behavior. so i reconcile it in my own head, with a maybe someday, i forgive them for their transgressions against me, whether imagined or real and move on. my life is far too short to worry about relationships that do not appear to have the ability to be healthy. this comes up for me this morni9ng, because this person is going through a tough time in their life, i want to be supportive, but an unable to understand, how i can be, without playing the same sick games i have played in the past. the poison tango of this relationship is far to toxic for me to engage in today, so i stand off in the distance and watch from afar, waiting for the opportunity i may never get. trust me when i say, i have spoken to my sponsor, inventoried and worked steps around this issue, and yet the result is always the same, so in my experience, even doing when i am doing different stuff, IF the results remain the same, than the answer lies somewhere else. it would be insane for me to continue spinning in the circles i have been spinning in, so most of the time i let it go and move on.
i know why this comes up for me, today, it is just because of this reading. i want an equal, healthy relationship with this friend. i am willing to do the footwork and yet, i get what i have always gotten. where does that leave me? holding the bag that i can never fill, i either have to accept the toxic tango or move on, and i choose moving on, as i am not into doing that dance any longer. i am worth more than that today, and i believe i am writing this today, to close a chapter in my life that cannot go on being written.
what i am hearing, is it is time for me to move forward with my life, being present for what comes my way, and leaving what was in the past, where it belongs. the day may yet come, when i actually get the chance to be more than a monkey and a student, and if it does, i am ready to jump on that opportunity as all i want in all my relationships is to be an equal partner.
so as i wait for my breakfast to process, i will do a bit of work, perhaps a bit of slacking, then hit the streets to get rid of the garbage within and be a leaner, meaner physical version of me. it si after all, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞