WebLog Home Page

none of the hard work, seems to me as if that is how it should be in a perfect world. after all, when i look at the world through the eyes of the part of me i call addiction, i can certainly justify asking if i am entitled to **stuff** and **a grand new life** for staying clean, showing up to work and living a little less in extremis? the short answer is no way in hell is that part of my reality, nor has it ever been, no matter how much i wished it were so. ironically, the addict in my life who may actually be in a state of mere abstinence but is more than likely using, asked me to give them a chunk of money. when i played dumb, and asked how the intended to pay me back, i got “crickets.” needless to say, i did not open my checkbook to their outrageous request, but it certainly reminded me of my time in active addiction when this or that was going to get shut-off or i was going to be homeless. my response to those situations was to run to my Mom and ask for a “loan” that i never truly intended on paying back, if the amount was small enough, three hundred dollars was right at the boundary.
it is certainly interesting how the tables have turned and now i am in the place of deciding if i want to enable an addict to do what addicts do. this is a direct result of doing the footwork in recovery. i am now more financially stable, all of my bills are current, i have a career, i am in a loving and equal relationship and i now value myself without the need of external approval. i am everything that addict is not and when i look at myself through the lens of their attitudes and behaviors, i see i was exactly the same, back in the days where finding the ways and means to get what i “needed” was part of my daily life. i can say that they are doing the best they can with what they have and what they got was a self-misdiagnosis of depression, instead of waking up and smelling the coffee that they had no desire to move out of their comfortable misery.
what i want today, i know that i have to formulate a plan to whatever it takes to get it. i no longer feel entitled to anything, save for the opportunity to choose whether or not i am going to stay clean today and do whatever it takes to make that a reality. my days of wishing away my life for that “free ride” have gone by the wayside, although i do fantasize about life after winning a big bucks lottery prize, no matter how unlikely that may be. the difference is that i know what is real and what is just fantasy and live my life on the “real” and dive into the fantasy every now and again, just for kicks. it is a good day to do the footwork i need to do to stay fit, be alert and be an asset to the world around me, rather than a leach, just for today.

∞ DT ∞