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≤ the fortress of denial, ≥
posted: Tuesday the 28th of July, 2015 07:48:24 AM

 

erected to keep my defects of character hidden, can come crashing down. these days i make to claims to being a spiritual giant, guru or a service maven, i do my best to to be a member and peer to my fellow members. this shift in attitude has come about slowly and certainly surely as i plowed through this set of steps, and all of a sudden, or so it seems, my phone is ringing with numbers that i do not recognize, until i answer and say hello. not that a ringing phone is a sign of success or anything, after all, i have friends and peers whose phone rings incessantly, in fact to the point that they need to walk around with a blue-tooth receiver in their ears, at all times, regardless of what they are doing. that is neither here nor there, just a quick diversion…
what is that i am writing about today, anyway? what struck me as important after reading the reading and sitting in my morning routine was how much of that FORTRESS OF DENIAL was still left in my life. yes, it has been battered and certainly nearly decimated to a near ruin, but that structure was carefully constructed over the course of decades of active addiction and still has its foundation and more than likely some of it basements intact, to finish the metaphor. the safety that fortress once provided is still part of the euphoric recall i have of life in active addiction and something that i certainly feel grateful to retreat to, in times of stress. yes, even though i am loathe to admit it, i can still go there and cower in the ruins and pretend i am the all knowing and powerful DON. untouchable, unreachable and certainly unavailable.the past few days, however, have been like setting up some charges way down deep and lighting a fuse that is burning today. after meeting with my sponse last night, and a restless night of having the same unremembered dream again and again, i am sitting here this morning wondering WTF is going on and how do i need to respond to any of this. the answer i got to that brief and furtive prayer as nothing at all, just sit, be quiet and allow the world to spin as it will. the events of the past days are evidence that something more is happening in my life and that something need not be fostered by taking any conscious action. what i need to do, and what i want to do is to get a clue, as how to explain my spiritual path, in an elevator pitch including the prayer part, and i am not quite there yet.
anyhow, what i am going to do, is take out the garbage, take a shower, make the 50 ft commute and be okay that just for today, i can allow the fortress of denial to crumble and fall around me, and the POWER that fuels my recovery, will keep me safe as that vestige of my past is removed.

∞ DT ∞

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

secrets and intimacy posted on: Wednesday, July 28, 2004 by: donnot
δ gambling on intimacy δ posted on: Thursday, July 28, 2005 by: donnot
∞ denial, secrets, intimacy and videotapes. ∞ posted on: Friday, July 28, 2006 by: donnot
μ i may imagine that if no one knows about my imperfections, μ posted on: Saturday, July 28, 2007 by: donnot
μ having relationships without barriers, is something i desire. μ posted on: Monday, July 28, 2008 by: donnot
Δ to maintain intimacy in a relationship, it is essential that i … posted on: Tuesday, July 28, 2009 by: donnot
σ i feared that if i ever revealed myself as i really am, i would surely be rejected σ posted on: Wednesday, July 28, 2010 by: donnot
⋅ if i examine why intimacy frightens me ⋅ posted on: Thursday, July 28, 2011 by: donnot
± as i uncover opportunities to share my inner self , posted on: Saturday, July 28, 2012 by: donnot
∇ i do not want others to know of my insecurities, ∇ posted on: Sunday, July 28, 2013 by: donnot
§ the possibility of the intimacy created § posted on: Monday, July 28, 2014 by: donnot