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¿ people pleasing, ?
posted: Thursday the 8th of December, 2016 07:20:46 AM

 

to put it bluntly, means i am dishonest and manipulative. the truth is, i am pretty hard on myself, so calling the defects of character i have uncovered,, by their real names, is not out of character for me. i know that many of my peers, struggle with this concept and this reading for them, evokes an unpleasant reaction. for me, it is more of a “duh, you don'st say,” kind of thing.
focusing in on the the one i chose to lead with, for certain people pleasing is not about being courteous, respectful and kind to those i run across in my day to day affairs. this defect of character has not been magically morphed into an asset and i am quite certain it never will. the lying, cheating and smoke and mirrors that acting out on this defect require may have elements that look like courtesy, respect and kindness, but that is as far as it gets. it is all an act and one i can do very well, not too much different than feigning indifference when my victims do not fall for the ploy i have so elaborately constructed. i could go on, but i am quite certain i have driven home my point.
for me, the “reward” of STEPS SIX and SEVEN, is that i become aware of those parts of me that inspire me to behave in a manner contrary to my values. for brevity sake i will define my “bad” behaviors as just that, behaving contrary to my values. i do not need to crow about how well i am doing, avoid the honestly looking at what is “defective” in my character by semantic tricks or worry that i will collapse into a gelatinous blob if i allow myself to feel exactly why those defects are just that. i have far greater respect and esteem for myself because of looking my defects in the eye and seeing that they are not “essential” skills for survival. they may have once been, especially in active addiction and early recovery, but unlike some of my peers, i embrace the change that the steps bring, including seeing myself in a whole new light, that goes far beyond what i was cultured and socialized into believing about myself. learning to see and tell the truth about who i am, is a gift that i could only get through the steps. being able to walk away from popular opinion and not care what is being said about me, is a gift of having true self-esteem and self-respect.
one of my favorite bad behaviors, is playing to the crowd. it is a more generalized version of people pleasing for me, and it arise from my defect of low self-respect. what that means is that i whine about being judged and mistreated and crow about how much better i happen to be doing. the truth is, everyone is judged all the time, and i should be flattered that others believe me important enough to gossip about. the fact is, no matter how i look at myself, i am not a spiritual giant, a model recovering addict or a shining example of humanity. i am just another guy, who has flashes of brilliance but also lapses of bad behavior. they even out in the end, and i get to be just another addict in recovery, and today, my ego is large enough to handle that. i need not puff-up of deflate myself to please anyone else. the humility required to realize what i want others to see and to make it so, is a gift from calling those defects by their real names, and by looking for the spiritual opposites of my bad behaviors.
today? well it has been a bit of time since my last outing with people pleasing, but as a result i have learned to be kinder, more respectful and certainly more courteous, to those i run across in my daily affairs, that behavior, whether one sees it as good or bad, is not people pleasing, that is just making this world a tad bit better place to live.

∞ DT ∞

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

∞  naming defects  ∞ posted on: Wednesday, December 8, 2004 by: donnot
∞ spinning a character defect or three ∞ posted on: Thursday, December 8, 2005 by: donnot
δ sometimes my readiness to have my character defects removed depends on what i call them δ posted on: Friday, December 8, 2006 by: donnot
∞ i may have trouble identifying my character defects. ∞ posted on: Monday, December 8, 2008 by: donnot
« **people pleasing** just means i am nice to people, right? » posted on: Tuesday, December 8, 2009 by: donnot
† when i see how my character defects affect my life and accept them † posted on: Wednesday, December 8, 2010 by: donnot
→ i will call my defects by their true names ← posted on: Thursday, December 8, 2011 by: donnot
∅ as time passes, i am becoming progressively better ∅ posted on: Saturday, December 8, 2012 by: donnot
≈ to put it bluntly, people-pleasing means ≈ posted on: Sunday, December 8, 2013 by: donnot
♠ i lie about my feelings, my beliefs, and my needs, ♠ posted on: Monday, December 8, 2014 by: donnot
✌ calling all defects, ✌ posted on: Tuesday, December 8, 2015 by: donnot