WebLog Home Page
🍄 who i used to be, 🍄
posted: Saturday the 18th of November, 2017 09:07:01 AM
my ancestors claim they discovered the continent of North America, but what about those who actually inhabited the lands before they got brave enough to venture out across the ocean? in my opinion, it is a bit difficult to “discover” something that is already well-known to hundreds of thousands of others. the hubris of claiming these so-called “new” lands, still bothers me today. all of that little bit screed applies to myself and my journey in recovery.
it si true, and i admit it without any reservations, that active addiction buried much of who i am under a pile of self-deprecating bullshit and an active recovery process has removed much of what was piled on, during my “lost” decades. just as the dark ages were not really dark, so my life in active addiction did not fashion me into something different than i ever was. no active addiction allowed me to live out parts of myself that are far from being healthy or hale. active addiction took those naughty bit and brought them to the forefront of my behavior and using relieved me of any conscience. with that in mind, i can state that an active program of recovery has brought those bits back into a more proper balance, as i uncovered those parts of me, that the world may classify as “positive.” traits. the process of rediscovery of who i really am, is ongoing and facing that which i fear the most is part of the process. i can continue to pretend that i am “okay” just the way i am and continue to stall on my step work, or i can move forward on that voyage of uncovery. i am not really treading on terra incognito, as i have seen all there is to see about myself in these sixty-ish years of walking on two legs. what i am doing is getting a clearer idea of how it all fits together, as this is more like working a jigsaw puzzle with no clues about what the finished product will look like, so i guess there is a bit of discovery yet to happen.
what i know is this: how i once acted and felt, is far from how i do so today. my desire to avoid all that is unpleasant and embrace only what makes me feel good, has been brought into check and what i am really comparing is not the man who writes this today, to the man who walked into the rooms. the comparison is not really about who i was versus who i am, but how i live and once i put it into those terms, the whole discovery notion flies out the window and i move into a different space about who this stuff works.
i have been here all the time, just as the indigenous peoples were. there have been a few who actually saw me for what i was, just as the Western Europeans were not the first to sail the ocean blue. i am grateful for the addiction of the knowledge the recovery process is bringing me and how each piece i pull out of the puzzle box, is bringing a little bit closer to seeing the person i actually am, just for today.
∞ DT ∞
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!doing the best ···; 202 words ➥ Thursday, November 18, 2004 by: donnot
∞ a journey of discovery?! ∞ 292 words ➥ Friday, November 18, 2005 by: donnot
δ i can take advantage of the knowledge gained in examining my mistakes, δ 568 words ➥ Saturday, November 18, 2006 by: donnot
μ being human, i will continue making mistakes -- however, i need not make the same ones over and over again μ 525 words ➥ Sunday, November 18, 2007 by: donnot
α my identity, how i think and feel, have been shaped by my experiences ω 646 words ➥ Tuesday, November 18, 2008 by: donnot
∞ acceptance of myself means accepting all aspects of myself ∞ 344 words ➥ Wednesday, November 18, 2009 by: donnot
∗ the Tenth Step can help ME correct our living problems and prevent their recurrence ∗ 611 words ➥ Thursday, November 18, 2010 by: donnot
≡ i will do the best i can with what i have today ≡ 575 words ➥ Friday, November 18, 2011 by: donnot
± by looking over my past and realizing that i have changed and grown ± 606 words ➥ Sunday, November 18, 2012 by: donnot
¢ some of my experiences have made me a better person; ¢ 619 words ➥ Monday, November 18, 2013 by: donnot
⇔ i strive for improvement and measure my success ⇔ 314 words ➥ Tuesday, November 18, 2014 by: donnot
∏ self-discovery ∏ 667 words ➥ Wednesday, November 18, 2015 by: donnot
♣ my assets, ♤ 763 words ➥ Friday, November 18, 2016 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
Translated by James Legge
1) He who knows other men is discerning; he who knows himself is intelligent.
He who overcomes others is strong; he who overcomes himself is mighty.
He who is satisfied with his lot is rich; he who goes on acting with
energy has a (firm) will.