Blog entry for:
Mon, Oct 23, 2006 08:12:47 AM
∞ as long as i could distract myself with my plans, i could put off accepting that i was out of control. ∞
posted: Mon, Oct 23, 2006 08:12:47 AM
only gradually did i realize that my life had become unmanageable and that all the conning and manipulating in the world was not going to put my life back in order.
even today, i still scheme to deny my powerlessness. the reading was spot on about distracting myself from what really is important, with the obsession with my plans and attempts to impose some sort of control and order on my life. not that i am saying that i do not need to make plans, work towards goals and do the footwork to realize my dreams. no not by any stretch of the imagination, what i am saying is that once i make a plan, i let the outcome go. i surrender control to the forces outside of my tight grip, and accept that perhaps is not the day that all my plans come out exactly as i expect, that today is not the day that all my goals in life are met, and that today is not the day i realize all of my wildest dreams. that is the crux of my problem, separating out what is and is not in my control. as long as i plan to plan my plans, i am unreceptive to what is really going on inside of me, and what is going on inside of me, most of the time is a struggle between who i want to be and who i really am. so as the title suggests, perhaps this morning, right here and right now is a good time to reaffirm to my innermost self that i am an addict, i suffer from the disease of addict and will never be free from the grip that disease has on my life. simply put -- stop the fucking struggle, surrender and move on. yes i never wanted to be an addict, and yes i never wanted to have to live a program of this nature, but the truth is that if i want to continue to be a part of the world around me, than i need to allow the healing process to work as it will in my life and the lives of those who are around me. and the only way for me to do that is surrender, stop trying to control everything and let events run as they will. and perhaps my day will be just that much more peaceful and serene. and after all is that not what i really have been seeking since that first day i used?
even today, i still scheme to deny my powerlessness. the reading was spot on about distracting myself from what really is important, with the obsession with my plans and attempts to impose some sort of control and order on my life. not that i am saying that i do not need to make plans, work towards goals and do the footwork to realize my dreams. no not by any stretch of the imagination, what i am saying is that once i make a plan, i let the outcome go. i surrender control to the forces outside of my tight grip, and accept that perhaps is not the day that all my plans come out exactly as i expect, that today is not the day that all my goals in life are met, and that today is not the day i realize all of my wildest dreams. that is the crux of my problem, separating out what is and is not in my control. as long as i plan to plan my plans, i am unreceptive to what is really going on inside of me, and what is going on inside of me, most of the time is a struggle between who i want to be and who i really am. so as the title suggests, perhaps this morning, right here and right now is a good time to reaffirm to my innermost self that i am an addict, i suffer from the disease of addict and will never be free from the grip that disease has on my life. simply put -- stop the fucking struggle, surrender and move on. yes i never wanted to be an addict, and yes i never wanted to have to live a program of this nature, but the truth is that if i want to continue to be a part of the world around me, than i need to allow the healing process to work as it will in my life and the lives of those who are around me. and the only way for me to do that is surrender, stop trying to control everything and let events run as they will. and perhaps my day will be just that much more peaceful and serene. and after all is that not what i really have been seeking since that first day i used?
∞ DT ∞
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
manipulating my way into a manageable life 163 words ➥ Saturday, October 23, 2004 by: donnotδ when i was using, i did everything i could to run things my way. Δ 410 words ➥ Tuesday, October 23, 2007 by: donnot
μ scheming is my way of denying my powerlessness. as long as i can distract myself μ 505 words ➥ Thursday, October 23, 2008 by: donnot
⊗ when i admit my powerlessness, i stop trying to control and manage my; ⊗ 233 words ➥ Friday, October 23, 2009 by: donnot
⇑ can i really scheme and manipulate my way to a manageable life ⇓ 601 words ➥ Saturday, October 23, 2010 by: donnot
∫ when i get what i want, i feel powerful and invincible ∫ 502 words ➥ Tuesday, October 23, 2012 by: donnot
♦ by surrendering control, ♦ 180 words ➥ Wednesday, October 23, 2013 by: donnot
℘ i have been known to use ℘ 535 words ➥ Thursday, October 23, 2014 by: donnot
¹ surrender ¹ 675 words ➥ Friday, October 23, 2015 by: donnot
🎱 manipulating my life 🎰 577 words ➥ Sunday, October 23, 2016 by: donnot
🌊 bringing my 🌊 737 words ➥ Monday, October 23, 2017 by: donnot
↻ putting my life ↷ 521 words ➥ Tuesday, October 23, 2018 by: donnot
👋 distracting myself 👋 412 words ➥ Wednesday, October 23, 2019 by: donnot
🚇 trying to 🚔 552 words ➥ Friday, October 23, 2020 by: donnot
💥 running things 💨 416 words ➥ Saturday, October 23, 2021 by: donnot
🌄 gaining far 🌄 420 words ➥ Sunday, October 23, 2022 by: donnot
🐌 expressing 🐌 556 words ➥ Monday, October 23, 2023 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 2
1) Or fame or life,
Which do you hold more dear?
Or life or wealth,
To which would you adhere?
Keep life and lose those other things;
Keep them and lose your life:--which brings
Sorrow and pain more near?