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with FAITH. when i believe that a HIGHER POWER is with me, then i know that all can be well. okay, i am philosophically opposed to using the word will, when can is a better choice, semantically i know will is more appealing, and more hopeful, however this morning i feel that my HOPE comes from the fact that all ‘has the ability to be’ well.
after that bit of linguistic gymnastics, i guess the time to launch into a tirade against relapse is upon me, or is it. this issue has hit me quite personally over the past few days. no i am still clean, and just for today, the idea that using is not a desirable option for me. nevertheless, i am struggling to reconcile my feelings of rage over the relapse of someone who is close to me. i am tired of hearing the same old tired excuse, "well everyone was just waiting for this to happen!"
well guess what, i am part of everyone, and when i hear such sweeping generalizations, it makes me just want to reach out and smack someone firmly about the head and shoulders! as that will more than likely lead to my getting my a$$ kicked, i choose not to do that, and yet within there is an untapped anger that needs to be released. writing this down and sharing it to anonymous cyberspace is helpful, and learning how mot to turn my anger at someone else and their choices against myself, is a valuable tool, even to this day. i am at the place that although the anger is still seething when i think of it, i can start to feel acceptance that i am powerless over the behavior of others. i offered freely what i have and what has worked to keep me clean for all of these days in a row. that is as far as my power goes, and what my anger tells me is to walk away, secure in the knowledge that i did what i could.
while that sort of justification will protect me from getting hurt, it probably will also get me loaded. no addict who is in recovery deserves to be dissed or walked away from. my anger will subside, i will release it in a healthy manner, perhaps by pounding the streets in a little bit and i know that relapse need not be an desirable choice for me today, and my job is to allow others to see that it need not be a desirable choice for them either.
quite honestly, admitting that i am pissed off, writing the words out here and letting the venom pour out is helping me to process the events of the past few days and move forward. yes i am angry still, but i am sad that someone believes so little in themself, that they allow what they think others think of them to drive them into places they need not go, namely into the arms of active addiction. i really am getting to a place that what others may or may not believe about me is becoming less and less relevant in my life. i choose to be the best person i can be today, i choose to walk a path of active recovery. MOST IMPORTANTLY, i choose to not use any substance or person today, as that will not bring me the results is desire. after all is said and done, it is a good day to be in recovery so i do believe i will move forward with me day accordingly.

∞ DT ∞