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have the **good times** allowed me to forget? to stay clean, i NEED to remember that i am only one drug away from my past. so as i sit here this grey and foggy morning, i am struck once again about the behaviors of others and i realize that it is my own lack of desire to focus on my stuff that is coming into play. i have been avoiding writing this by distracting myself, and just now i am beginning to realize that i do not really want to think about where i came from and what i need to do to not go back into that dark and gloomy place. no what i want to fix on, is everyone else, or my computer or just anything else other than me.
quite honestly, it has been so long since i had the true and powerful desire to use, that i do forget what it was like. oh, i say i remember, and i share about how awful early recovery was for me, and i am sincere when i say those things, but deep down, the part of me i call my addict tells me that i am different, the process of recovery has changed me, and the preponderance of the evidence is that i have been transformed into a so-called normal person, who can use every now and again without any more than the usual consequences. the only defense i have against that line of thinking is the same program that has brought me to this crossroads. and yes i see the oh so delicious irony in that. just as my exercise program has brought my lipid profile back to normal, so recovery has brought my ability to use back into socially acceptable limits, or at least that is what i tell myself. the real deal? if i stop doing what i have been doing over the past few years in my physical journey towards a healthier me, the chances are that my now normalized lipid profile will return to the out of whack one, i am blessed with due to my genetic load. that is quite a parallel to draw. i see it now. i am not responsible for the genes i was given that makes my lipid profile way out of sync by default, i am however responsible for doing something about it, IF i have the desire to be more than the sum of my genes. if i want to continue the good times in my spiritual and emotional life, then i NEED to keep doing what i am doing, and make my program of recovery my priority today and every day. so when was the last time i went to a meeting -- wednesday night and i went to two. what step am i working -- none and that has to change, do i sponsor men -- yes, some would say far too many, but they never all hit me up at once. have i made conscious contact today -- YES. when was the last time i spoke to my sponsor -- far too long ago. so using that inventory, there are certainly areas in my recovery program that need to be upgraded and the focus does need to be placed on making my recovery my first priority today. i know where i am going, so i might as well get there, just for today.

∞ DT ∞