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in early recovery i heard this so often, that i eagerly looked forward to that day. so as i was starting this little exercise i realized that it was the clean date anniversary of an addict who was once upon a time a big participant in our local fellowship. life got busy for Derek and although i have seen him a few times since last year, it was not until last night that i thought about him. whether that was my unconscious self reminding me of an annual event or whatever it really is unimportant:

Derek R, congrats on 6 years clean!

so of course thinking of Derek set off a chain reaction of memories of those members and addicts who have come through the rooms and disappeared into somewhere else. at the end of that litany of names, i caught my breath, prayed that they were all getting what they needed and proceeded to move into my morning. what i wonder is if we truly gave them the love they needed until they could learn to love themselves? or is it that they learned how and decided to find a different path? or perhaps they left before that particular miracle occurred. this train of thought is far too morose for me this morning, while not a bad path to explore, one that i choose to leave behind me for a different direction.
yes, i do remember the first time i heard that statement, and i do remember my reaction:"HOW FVCKING CORNY CAN YOU GET!?"
yes i was more than a bit jaded when i walked into these rooms, and sarcastic cynicism was my weapon of choice and the armor that protected me from getting hurt. time passed, my armor got destroyed chink by chink and there came a time when my reaction changed form disbelief and dismissal to one of acceptance. first off, accepting that the preponderance of the evidence was that even though i thought i loved myself, i did not, someone that loves himself does not try and kill himself on a daily basis, one fix at a time. since i did not love myself, i had come to believe that i could not love myself, this cliché, started to foster a seed of HOPE that o was worth the effort to love, and that it was worth my effort to learn how to accept the love of others. finally, that the path was not through the mental health industry but rather through the recovery process fostered by the 12 steps.
today, i am grateful for those members who chose to love that angry, stuck-up, arrogant man that was only marking his time until the sword was lifted. they allowed me to dare to dream and hope that i could be something more than i was. today, i do love and most importantly accept myself. i actually did some step work last night and although there was no blinding white light of revelation, i do feel a bit more centered this morning and ready to move forward into what today may bring. so once again happy clean date anniversary Derek R, i do HOPE you are getting what you need to stay clean and to grow into the man you were always meant to be.

∞ DT ∞