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this is one of those readings that i feel applies to me, every time i read it. in case you are new to my on-line spot here, being concerned about how i look has always seemed to be my number one priority. of course, active addiction took that trait and really ran with it, and as a result, in the end, i could be everybody and nobody depending on who i happened to be in the company of at any given time. by the time i came to recovery. i was so absolutely clueless about who and what i was, that the various persona i carried with me were all i knew. time, step work and the loving touch of those members who were here before me have guided me to a place where i am fairly certain of who and what i am, and i am mostly comfortable being that man. so the reading this morning brings me back to the task at hand, becoming even more certain that i am not broken and that if allow the process to continue, i will need to be less and less concerned about how i look.
the amazing part of all of this, is that i am finally beginning to be comfortable hanging with others, in settings that are as far from the rooms as any other place, hanging with the normal world, has been one of my goals since i started to realize what a shell of a person i was. last night i went to a cigar event and felt quite comfortable just being one of the guys. yes they were drinking, and yes we behaved like animals, but that is part of the whole gig and you know what other than not caring for the beer saturated breath of the guys i was hanging out with, i had i great time. in fact, for the first time, i actually felt i could be myself and <GASP> normal for just a second. not all that normal, i had no desire to participate in drinking, but being there with the guys felt as comfortable as if i was hanging with my peers, friends and acquaintances in the rooms of recovery. so i have further evidence that this whole recovery gig is working in my life and i can continue to allow myself to be who i am, regardless of who i happen to be with at any given time. so i have some service to do, and i need to shower, i am however confident that i can be who i am and allow the mask to slip away, at least just for today.

∞ DT ∞