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even if the prospective member does not get clean, i leave a that experience with a deep dose of gratitude. a lot of things are running around inside my head this morning. i think i will just spill them out and see where this little exercise takes me. first and foremost, once again i have allowed someone to get under my skin and have given away my personal power. the problem is that this person is a friend and believes that since they have decades clean, they have the right and the obligation to correct members who may only have 15 or so years clean. that is par for the course, as this person is so fVcking oblivious to the reality around them and to the damage they cause from their perch high above all of the rest of us, i ended up plotting and planning how once again to topple their egg cart. honestly, had i been the one on the other end of the exchange i would have let go with both barrels and only a tourniquet would have staunched the spiritual bleeding of the wounds i inflicted in retaliation. good thing i have a HIGHER POWER looking out for me, and that i was not forced to do anything in reaction in real-time. so as it is still on my mind this morning, i do NEED to do something. generally that would mean a call to my sponsor, but as he is in preparation for surgery tomorrow and has told me he is spiritually unavailable due to pain medication, i have to seek another route. well, all of a sudden the number i got in Rock Springs, seems to be a viable alternative and the means to enter into a relationship that i have been avoiding for the past two months. i do not know what to expect, but i hope for a dispassionate ear at the very least.
number two on my mind are the two homecomings this week, one current sponsee and the only sponsee i have ever fired. here is where the 12th step part of this reading kicks in. both of these men have strong feelings against the fellowship where i find my recovery program. both of these men have a claim to me and my resources. neither of these men are anything but angry and twisted right now, and i fear for their spiritual sanity as they return to the real world from the closed existence they have been experiencing. what i hear is that i NEED to let go, and allow them their space to find their new level in the world that continued to march on without them. what will i do? well for the man i sponsor, i will give him some space and some time and allow him to find what he wants and needs from me. the man i used to sponsor? i will give him his phone and move on. quite honestly there really is nothing more i can give him, other than encouragement and prayers for his success. he has sucked my well dry in spiritual matters, and as there is still more for me to give, it will not be in the context of our previous relationship, that is finished, just as it should be.
although when i first started writing this, it seemed that these issues were unrelated and the common thread was me, i can now see that they go directly to the core of the reading. all i have, all any of us have is our experience with the recovery process. when i am living the 12th step, that in and of itself is more than enough, whether i NEED to be on the receiving end of the sharing experience or on the GIVING end, it really does not matter, both are part of where i need to go today. as well as a quick little workout around the local streets. i am grateful that i can see what this day may bring -- possibly an opportunity to carry the message into an institution, perhaps some time with one of my sponsees, perhaps a bit of work to clean-up for the weekend, and perhaps just some time to do absolutely nothing at all. i can be okay with all of that and as this day progresses i will allow myself to be apart of what is going on, just for toady anyhow.

∞ DT ∞