Show Weblog

has filled the spiritual hole inside of me. i am smack dab in the middle of my FIRST STEP, right now, and this is a good reminder of the reality of my situation. i could go on about powerlessness and how unmanageable my life is, but you have all heard that before. not that i think i have moved into some advanced form of recovery, but as the days go by, and the steps continue to do work their magic, what was once a big deal, has shrank in importance and now is just one more thing of many. new ideas and obsessions do arise to take their places and over the weekend once more i had my knickers in a bun about something i am as powerless over today as i was a year ago, and will be a year from now.
one of the reasons i left regional service was that i was tired of being the foil of a member who happened to think that they and only they had THE CORRECT manner of running the service committee. over and over and over again, i worked on taking this addict's most outrageous ideas and tamed them in by the spiritual principles embodied in the program. towards the end of my service, i thought that this addict was finally getting a clue that their opinion was more times than not not only contrary to the principles that they allegedly espoused, but destructive to those with whom they served. well i was wrong, as i discovered over the weekend and i was ready to jump back in to this level of service with both feet and make such a big fVcking splash, that this addict could hardly deny their damaging influence on those around them.
two days later, while it is still on my mind, i have moved to an entirely different place. yes i still believe that they are so wrong they should be taken out, given a final meal and shot, so they are put out of our misery. HOWEVER, these days i am starting to see, that the ends NEVER justify the means, which means for me, i need not act on the first notion that pops into my mind. it means that although i may arrive at a solution if allow my mind the freedom to move forward, that i STILL NEED to talk to disinterested addicts who have more experience in these kind of matters. in the long run, it may mean a return to that level of service, but just for today, that notion will make my life unmanageable, only if allow it to do so. yes i am powerless over the whims, aspirations and manipulations of others, like that leopard who is stuck with the spots they have, that addict will continue to game, manipulate and just plain be oblivious to the damage they cause. the sooner i accept that, surrender to that fact and move on, the healthier i will be. the amazing part is most of the time, even their most heinous notions are not all that bad, until they try and inject that one last piece of control into, insert those five to ten words that changes the intent from something spiritual into the same old pile of stinking bullsh!t, at least in my opinion. so it is time to take care of what i agreed to take care of and move on. it is a good day to let go and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞