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i learned and am still learning that it is the way i am living today that counts. so twenty four later i am in a better spot, clearer, calmer and for once open-minded about what sort of action i NEED to take. that action may be nothing at all, in the long run, but that too has yet to be seen. the difference between today and yesterday was my activity last night. i went to an out of town meeting, where i am in the middle of the pack and where the language of recovery is actually spoken by most of the members. part of my underlying anger, is that i do not hear enough of that language, what i hear is the clichés and the lip service to the spiritual principles, all the while the behaviors remain unchanged. how do i know this? well for one i see the evidence within me, and in my desired actions over the course of the past forty-eight hours. the only difference is that i have paused and instead of ”poking my pen into the throat of a peer,” i have simmered in my own juices, waiting for resolution.
this is what making my life unmanageable these days. i FEEL something and instead of acting out one of my many shortcomings, i isolate and withdraw. by doing so, i minimize the damage to the world around me, which is not a bad thing, while maximizing the damage to myself, which if i was attending meetings like the one last night could be healed.
what i am hearing this morning, is people will be people, with all their character defects, hidden agendas and ulterior motives, to expect anything different will continue to stoke the fires within. just because one spouts off about how long they have been clean, can recite the readings from memory or act as if they have received the “WORD OF GOD” personally delivered to them in their morning e-mail, they are still no different than me, an addict staying clean and doing their level best to live a program of recovery. that is the rub, i have come to expect that those who are guiding me have a better best than i do, and what i am finding out, much to my dismay, that many that i once respected set the bar so much lower for themselves that they are doomed to live in their isolated misery, until they wake-up and smell the proverbial coffee.
so with homicide and suicide off the plate for today. with my anger towards myself, the world and everyone in it, is beginning to subside and i am ready to move into a place of surrender that will hopefully lead to tolerance and acceptance once again. of course as i am in the middle of a FIRST STEP, this is probably more a manifestation of the step working me over than a long-term paradigm shift. i believe that i am being beat down so i can accept the next process of the steps and yes this morning i surrender, i am throwing my gun and riding into town with my hands behind my back and my head hung low, addiction has defeated me once again.

∞ DT ∞