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just as i am often unforgiving of my own mistakes, i may shut out friends and family members when they do not meet my expectations.
the story of my life these days. as much as i know living in expectations causes me to be angry, bitter, resentful and cynical, i just cannot seem to let go and allow the POWER that keeps me clean to remove this from my life. more and more, i am tripping back down this way too familiar path and more and more, i find myself swallowing my feelings instead of acting out. in a word, i am worth less than the people around me, and i have gotten the clarity to feel when a shortcoming is about to be acted upon. so instead of letting go, being present in the moment and allowing those feelings to wash over me like a breaker on the beach, i revert to the behavior of freezing those waves with the icy arctic blast that i learned in active addiction. the only problem with that, is today i lack the tools to keep them frozen, as i no longer desire to live in active addiction. i know a quick this or that will fix those frozen waves into a semi-permanent state, BUT today is all about learning how to be who i really am, and allowing myself to be a part of life in recovery.
i am on the path to learning to let these go again, as i am certain that this is just a symptom of the addict within, trying out an old trick in a new way. the FIRST STEP work i am doing is stripping me of my illusions of being cured or even being further along the recovery continuum than i am. although i loath to say it, i am right where i am supposed to be, and no wailing, bitching or moaning is going to change that. my only light in all of this self-imposed darkness is the path before me, namely another cycle of step work and learning once again to put away what i need to put away, experience what i need to experience and let the rest of it go. just as i will never be recovered, and just as where i see myself in the recovery process will never be where i think i want to be, my expectations of those around me will almost always exceed their grasp.
so it is off to the backyard to hammer out some work, enjoy a cigar and to see if just for right now, i can be who and what i am and not who and what i think i want to be. that is task enough for today.

∞ DT ∞