ฮผ even me, one who has found some measure of serenity โฆ
Posted: Mon, Jan 19, 2009 08:31:22 AM
...may blow a problem far out of proportion at some time. i guess that is the nature of the beast that i choose to addiction. after a weekend serving the fellowship that has provided me a new manner of living, i am work out spiritually. i have come to the conclusion that is not the events, they were actually not entirely bad, but dealing with a personality. learning how to tolerate disrespect from a self-proclaimed expert is tough and it has opened my eyes to the seek out similar action in my behaviors. however, what does any of this have to do with the whole blowing things out of their proportion reading.
well, right off the bat, obsessing about how i feel and am being treated, is far from a problem i need to deal with today. yes, i need to look at it, the obsession part, as that is the mountain that is overshadowing my life today, not the allowing someone to have that much power over me, as that is only the triggering and driving event. as my sponsor continues to remind me, focusing on the process is the important thing, the outcome will take care of itself. what is the outcome i desire? well, for one, to let go completely of my obsession about how i am being treated. intellectually, i can say i nether require or desire the approval of anyone else. but my behaviors and the fact that i obsess, tells me something entirely different.
there are a few ways of looking at this particular aspect of my current insanity. perhaps.i have not let go of my attachment to the relationship i developed when i needed a recovery parent, so like a spurned child, all of my actions are to get the attention and approval, hence the love of a parent who is distant from me emotionally. or perhaps it is a reaction to that old attachment and all of my behaviors are in rebellion, the see what you made me do, so now i am going to get back at you. or maybe it is i have outgrown the old, and have yet to find any satisfaction in the new relationship.
honestly, it is probably all of that and more, so the molehill is the relationship, and the mountain it has become is the obsessional need i have to do something more to FIX IT! so i can continue to spin and obsess and allow this particular form of my insanity to rule my life, as it has since Friday. OR i can accept that i will never get what i most desire from this relationship -- mutual respect and equality -- and put it into the care of the POWER that keeps me clean. any other alternative is a half-measure and not worth my time or energy.
so my choice is <DRUM ROLL PLEASE>
we will see, i think i will go pound the pavement and let my ever obessessing self find a new thing to obsess about for the next 45 minutes.
well, right off the bat, obsessing about how i feel and am being treated, is far from a problem i need to deal with today. yes, i need to look at it, the obsession part, as that is the mountain that is overshadowing my life today, not the allowing someone to have that much power over me, as that is only the triggering and driving event. as my sponsor continues to remind me, focusing on the process is the important thing, the outcome will take care of itself. what is the outcome i desire? well, for one, to let go completely of my obsession about how i am being treated. intellectually, i can say i nether require or desire the approval of anyone else. but my behaviors and the fact that i obsess, tells me something entirely different.
there are a few ways of looking at this particular aspect of my current insanity. perhaps.i have not let go of my attachment to the relationship i developed when i needed a recovery parent, so like a spurned child, all of my actions are to get the attention and approval, hence the love of a parent who is distant from me emotionally. or perhaps it is a reaction to that old attachment and all of my behaviors are in rebellion, the see what you made me do, so now i am going to get back at you. or maybe it is i have outgrown the old, and have yet to find any satisfaction in the new relationship.
honestly, it is probably all of that and more, so the molehill is the relationship, and the mountain it has become is the obsessional need i have to do something more to FIX IT! so i can continue to spin and obsess and allow this particular form of my insanity to rule my life, as it has since Friday. OR i can accept that i will never get what i most desire from this relationship -- mutual respect and equality -- and put it into the care of the POWER that keeps me clean. any other alternative is a half-measure and not worth my time or energy.
so my choice is <DRUM ROLL PLEASE>
we will see, i think i will go pound the pavement and let my ever obessessing self find a new thing to obsess about for the next 45 minutes.
∞ DT ∞