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with this new found self-acceptance, i gain the freedom to become who i want to be. well not quite, i have worked the steps and i am still not famous or rich or classically good-looking. oh well, maybe the next trip through the steps…
ok, in case you missed the irony in that statement, i really do not expect any of that to happen, esepecially through step work. hard work can make me wealthy. plastic surgery can make me better looking and who knows what i need to do to achieve fame. the point is that because i work steps, and because i continue to live a program of recovery, if i chose to go down any of those paths, i have the means to do so. the type of change that i am really coming to expect as a result of the steps is the freedom from my self-imposed limitations and freedom from my own set of unrealistic expectations. yes i have a criminal past and some employers or rental agencies may hold that against me, WAH, WAH, WAH, that does not mean i have to hold a meeting hostage for 20 minutes while i whine how discriminatory the world is. what it means, that if it bugs me, i NEED to talk to my sponsor about the cause of my irritation, and <GASP> perhaps do a bit of writing about it, in the context of my current step work. after all, who made the choice to break the law in the first place? shifting the blame off myself, and on to those evil landlords, will not accomplish anything. accepting my past and doing what i can to move out of it will. you know if i work hard enough, i can make enough money to hire a lawyer to do some cosmetic surgery on my criminal past, that is if it is important to me. i choose that example, because one of the “bumper sticker” addicts has shared that the past two nights running and this morning, the reading reminded me that it is because of step work that i HAVE the freedom, to vent about it a bit, and let it go.
the reading also spoke to me, about my attempt to live up to the expectations of others. i am am serving in a highly visible manner, and that has been wearing on my, what if my part of the event in two weeks falls apart and i am left looking like some kind of buffoon? well that just may happen OR what is more likely is that there will be problems that i will be continually finding solutions for and just being present and doing my best, the event will come off with very little discord and disharmony and no one will even notice my part in it. which, because of the work i have done in recovery, is truly how i want it to happen. i get off scot-free.
the time however has come to put an end to all of this and prepare to exercise my will, by running around the neighborhoods. i am grateful that the pissy little mood i was in yesterday was lifted by the meetings i attended last night. there were guys with some real problems there and they shared from the heart about how they were dealing with them. made me feel a bit petty for whining in my coffee at all. so this morning, with a new attitude and new hope in my heart, i will do what i can do, to clean off my desktop. who knows, maybe stop cogitating on my current step assignment and write something, it could happen!?

∞ DT ∞