โฅ i HAVE been given much in recovery; staying clean DOES pay off โฅ
Posted: Thu, Nov 24, 2011 11:24:37 AM
acceptance of my life, just for today, frees me from self-pity. it is after 10:00 AM and i have just got out of the shower and am just now writing this little exercise in random brain waves down. it is not like i really slept in, i was up by 6:30. it is not like i did bunches of work, just the one hour of my every day stuff. i did, however, get my dish for Thanksgiving done and the ki9tchen cleaned- up afterwards -- i really am one of the sloppiest cooks around when you have to clean-up after me. in retrospect, i accomplished much and am exactly at the place i need to be right now.
which of course, brings me to the reading. among the lies i tell msyelf is that i am somehow not good enough. yes, it is true, that lie comes less frequently these days and i believe less often nevertheless, it is part of my repertoire. it is the core of wallowing in self-pity, as IF i am not good enough, even after all i have been given in recovery, why should i even bother to continue? minimizing my gifts, those that are innate as well as those i have acquired, allows the sick part of me to flourish. no matter , how well i may actually be, that lie is the most invidious and dangerous, as it leads down a dark path of self-loathing and self-pity.
to counter this, i HAVE a program of recovery, that allows me to look at things as they really are, most of the time. when i get in the way of seeing that, i have friends and a sponsor, who can remove the garbage that prevents me from seeing me for who i really am, a recovering human being, who spend a great part of his life trapped in the self-obsession that can be called active addiction. in fact, i even have a POWER in my life that is far more powerful than the part of em i call my addict and that can and will free me from the depths that my unmet expectations may take me.it always seems to come down to this simple fact: when i am wallowing in self-pity, what i really am i angry that my little plans, despite my best effort, did not come out EXACTLY as i desired. everything else is the smoke and mirrors that prevent me from cutting to the chase. in reality i have a very full and gifted life, starting with the fact that i did not have to use yesterday and i have no desire to use today. i have a warm place to sleep and i have people in my life who love just as i am. i have the means to support myself and even take good care of myself. i have FAITH that if allow IT i will be given everything i need to thrive today, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. all of this is enough to counter the ‘BUTS’ and ‘WHAT IFs!’
so with a bit of gratitude in my heart, i think i will head on over to do a whole lot more of nothing much. i have dinner with the family after today and cousins from out of town coming in tomorrow and no one expecting me to be anywhere before Monday morning, so i will just kick back and let this day roll on, it is after all as my friend Joe reminds me from time tio time, a great day to be clean.
which of course, brings me to the reading. among the lies i tell msyelf is that i am somehow not good enough. yes, it is true, that lie comes less frequently these days and i believe less often nevertheless, it is part of my repertoire. it is the core of wallowing in self-pity, as IF i am not good enough, even after all i have been given in recovery, why should i even bother to continue? minimizing my gifts, those that are innate as well as those i have acquired, allows the sick part of me to flourish. no matter , how well i may actually be, that lie is the most invidious and dangerous, as it leads down a dark path of self-loathing and self-pity.
to counter this, i HAVE a program of recovery, that allows me to look at things as they really are, most of the time. when i get in the way of seeing that, i have friends and a sponsor, who can remove the garbage that prevents me from seeing me for who i really am, a recovering human being, who spend a great part of his life trapped in the self-obsession that can be called active addiction. in fact, i even have a POWER in my life that is far more powerful than the part of em i call my addict and that can and will free me from the depths that my unmet expectations may take me.it always seems to come down to this simple fact: when i am wallowing in self-pity, what i really am i angry that my little plans, despite my best effort, did not come out EXACTLY as i desired. everything else is the smoke and mirrors that prevent me from cutting to the chase. in reality i have a very full and gifted life, starting with the fact that i did not have to use yesterday and i have no desire to use today. i have a warm place to sleep and i have people in my life who love just as i am. i have the means to support myself and even take good care of myself. i have FAITH that if allow IT i will be given everything i need to thrive today, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. all of this is enough to counter the ‘BUTS’ and ‘WHAT IFs!’
so with a bit of gratitude in my heart, i think i will head on over to do a whole lot more of nothing much. i have dinner with the family after today and cousins from out of town coming in tomorrow and no one expecting me to be anywhere before Monday morning, so i will just kick back and let this day roll on, it is after all as my friend Joe reminds me from time tio time, a great day to be clean.
∞ DT ∞