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i have been and who i want to be. ironically, as i was talking to a peer last night, he asked if recovery and the steps would lead to more than FREEDOM from active addiction. this question as well as “why did i use,” haunted me in my early recovery, once i finally stopped posing and started my recovery process. that first set of “actual steps” that i wrote under the direction and guidance of two men, who were long time members of this fellowship, led me to the realization that there was a whole lot more to step work and inventories than just staying clean. the causes and conditions as to why i used, were finally answered, and i began to arrive at the simple conclusion that i used because i was an addict. i also arrived at a place that made me realize that if i wanted to be more than just a clean addict in recovery, then i would have to continue my step work through more than two cycles i had already completed. do not get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a clean addict in recovery, in fact EVERYTHING else in my recovery depends upon that being a fact.i want MORE though and through the inventory process that is part and parcel of step work, i can get more. as condescending and derogatory, “just another clean addict in recovery,” may sound, i am grateful today to have that baseline well established. without that set as my common ground with my peers, nothing else would be possible for my life. so when my peer asked me if there was more to recovery than just staying clean, i had to be honest and say that for me, yes there is.
i know many of my peers are satisfied with just staying clean and i honor their dedication to that notion. for me, there has to be something more, not too much like the using addict looking at the teeny-tiny pile of dope in front of me. i know that is a terrible analogy, but within me, there has been a shift from just staying clean to personal spiritual growth. for me, the steps have become the vehicle that brings me more: more understanding about who i am, a better ability to relate to those around me and the HOPE that this is not as good as it gets ➽ it can get so much better.
so what was my answer last night? that i used because i was an addict. i have lost my need to determine why i took that very first dose, and what was so broken within me, that i kept dosing myself up for a quarter of a century. the need to dig down deep and find out whether i had “mommy” issues, or deeply rooted neuroses that drive my addiction was relieved after that second set of steps,the first real ones. my third and current sponsor is of the belief that the steps are THE pathway for becoming the man i have always wasted to be, even before i knew what that man might look like. through his patient and tolerant guidance, i am well on the road to becoming that man, although lately that seems to be a moving target.
one of the gifts from this set of steps, is that i see that my vision of who i might become, may end up being self-limiting. it may be that i am putting a barrier between who i might become, by having a vision of who i am becoming. yeah that hurt my brain, just pounding it out. what i am coming to realize that my vision and the vision of the POWER that fuels my recovery may not be the exact same. my vision is just a glimpse of that larger vision and by setting a goal as if it is a destination, instead of a mere milestone along the way, i limit how far i can go. once again, i am looking at where i am going instead of what is happening on the journey towards that places, missing the excitement and the beauty of what surrounds me in the here and now.
so what i am trying to say, i guess, is that for me, the steps are leading me to a much better version of who i am, Don 4.0 as it were. as sit here between STEPs 1 and 12, i can see that the design document for the next version is in the works, and soon to be revealed to me, so i can get rolling on the next iteration of becoming the person i never dreamed could possibly exist in this hunk of flesh.

∞ DT ∞