๐ฅ no longer ๐ง
Posted: Sat, Jan 27, 2018 08:45:06 AM
limited to my old ideas or behaviors, thanks to learning how to LIVE a program of recovery. that does not mean, by any stretch of the imagination that those ancient notions and unsavory behaviors have been tossed into some dark bottomless pit of emptiness. no unfortunately, they are still around and like that proverbial bad penny, just waiting to be be activated once again.
not a whole lot of HOPE in that statement, and not a whole lot of hyperbole either, so a bit of progress. the fact is, when i came to the rooms, i was certain that there was absolutely NOTHING to left for me to learn, after all, i had made it through twenty-five years of active addiction with only a minimal involvement with the forces that could and would dictate where and how i lived and behaved. when i shared the other evening about being brought up with a value system that i learned to twist and deform into the justification and rationalization i needed to get past the next wrong thing, i happened to be doing, it was not to shift blame on to anyone else but me. the amateur psychiatrist in that room said it best when they shared that more than likely nearly everyone in the room was raised with a moral code, but addiction took over their lives and was the cause of them being where they were. the truth was, once they started sharing their particular take on addiction and recovery, i shut down,m because it was outside my current world view in that matter. my mind clamped shut and their ideas were succinctly pitched into the my “to do” stack of ideas to check out sometime later. most of that pile never gets looked at, and as that stack is processed in a last-in, first-out manner, i may never reach the bottom. that is just how i roll and i make no apologies for that.
back in the day, that stack grew by leaps and bounds, when i first realized that if i did not want to end up in certain places, i need to find the means to live without using drugs. the ideas that were presented by my peers, were abhorrent and alien to my manner of thinking and it took some time for me to move beyond compliance, into tolerance, acceptance and surrender. when my desire to use was lifted in that period of compliance, i was quite certain that the notion of always being an addict was not true, and i was “cured.” the only thing that kept me coming back in those days, was my social life now revolved around my peers in recovery and the sword of retribution that was still poised above my neck. i was planning my breakout from recovery and was looking forward to the day that i could return to the only life i had ever known.
that sword has been a long time gone and i can honestly say, that if i was one of those who had the desire to use, every single day, at this point in my recovery journey, i would do so. i do not stuck around because i enjoy the misery of that desire, i stick around because i enjoy the FREEDOM from that desire. if i still felt the desperation of that last night before i became a member, i would use, as that would certainly be a symptom that i am not getting any better. the fact is the desire and desperation are not part of my life anymore, and when i look at who i have become, instead of what i have accumulated, i see that my recovery journey, has not yet reached its end. i am still learning how to live and can see how much more i have yet to learn. as i step out in the world today, i can be okay with the notion, that just for today, i can find a new way to live.
not a whole lot of HOPE in that statement, and not a whole lot of hyperbole either, so a bit of progress. the fact is, when i came to the rooms, i was certain that there was absolutely NOTHING to left for me to learn, after all, i had made it through twenty-five years of active addiction with only a minimal involvement with the forces that could and would dictate where and how i lived and behaved. when i shared the other evening about being brought up with a value system that i learned to twist and deform into the justification and rationalization i needed to get past the next wrong thing, i happened to be doing, it was not to shift blame on to anyone else but me. the amateur psychiatrist in that room said it best when they shared that more than likely nearly everyone in the room was raised with a moral code, but addiction took over their lives and was the cause of them being where they were. the truth was, once they started sharing their particular take on addiction and recovery, i shut down,m because it was outside my current world view in that matter. my mind clamped shut and their ideas were succinctly pitched into the my “to do” stack of ideas to check out sometime later. most of that pile never gets looked at, and as that stack is processed in a last-in, first-out manner, i may never reach the bottom. that is just how i roll and i make no apologies for that.
back in the day, that stack grew by leaps and bounds, when i first realized that if i did not want to end up in certain places, i need to find the means to live without using drugs. the ideas that were presented by my peers, were abhorrent and alien to my manner of thinking and it took some time for me to move beyond compliance, into tolerance, acceptance and surrender. when my desire to use was lifted in that period of compliance, i was quite certain that the notion of always being an addict was not true, and i was “cured.” the only thing that kept me coming back in those days, was my social life now revolved around my peers in recovery and the sword of retribution that was still poised above my neck. i was planning my breakout from recovery and was looking forward to the day that i could return to the only life i had ever known.
that sword has been a long time gone and i can honestly say, that if i was one of those who had the desire to use, every single day, at this point in my recovery journey, i would do so. i do not stuck around because i enjoy the misery of that desire, i stick around because i enjoy the FREEDOM from that desire. if i still felt the desperation of that last night before i became a member, i would use, as that would certainly be a symptom that i am not getting any better. the fact is the desire and desperation are not part of my life anymore, and when i look at who i have become, instead of what i have accumulated, i see that my recovery journey, has not yet reached its end. i am still learning how to live and can see how much more i have yet to learn. as i step out in the world today, i can be okay with the notion, that just for today, i can find a new way to live.
∞ DT ∞