Blog entry for:

nor complicated, unless i CHOOSE to make it so. time to fess up, i had written myself into a hole that i could not get out of and was pondering where to go from there. in a fit of fat-fingered clumsiness, i closed my browser, losing everything i had written and i was forced into starting this little exercise over again. i see that as being serendipitous and am quite pleased that i GET to move in a different direction. to recap where i was, i was commenting on the irony that after my journey to arrive where i am spiritually, the content, form and schedule of my daily payers, is practically the same today as it was back when i was just “playing along.” allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to restore me to some semblance of sanity and care for my will and my life, is an exercise that i have struggled with, since my earliest days in recovery and one that i have decided to cease fighting today. i have a clue or two about what works for me and what does not and the spiritual part of this program, does work for me, when i choose not to cave into my DESIRE for MORE.
across the course of my recovery, i have come to a place where i see that classifying ideas, events, people or feelings as “good” or “bad” seems to be an activity that i can dispense with, entirely. holding on to a behavior that does not further my growth, i certainly a symptom of insanity and yet letting go of it, feels as if i am giving up a part of who i am. when i take a realistic look at who i was, and who i may be becoming, i can see i have dumped a whole lot of what i once considered my identity along the road. each time i arrive at a new understanding of what is not working for me, i am faced with the exact same dilemma, do i live in FEAR of what may come, holding on tightly to what is, OR do i live in FAITH and allow the process to work. what generally happens is i live in FEAR until the pain of letting go becomes to much for me to stand and i finally surrender to FAITH. wishing i was different and less rigid does not make it so and the reading this morning reminds me of that if i want more, i have to DESIRE less. returning to the simplest of tasks, i can be okay with what comes down my spiritual pike today, if i open myself up to the possibilities of living in the here and now. time to go take a walk and get on with doing what i am paid to do, which is not writing about prayer and my recovery process.

∞ DT ∞