Blog entry for:

when it comes down to time to write about GOD, i end-up copping out by saying i am not am **GOD** kind of guy. that is certainly true and i am being honest. what i am doing, however, is deflecting myself from considering what the reading is offering me, by getting stuck on the semantics of an bygone era. that era is mine and mine alone, when i saw the POWER that fuels my recovery through the spiritual path that i was brought into by my family and my culture. it is a fact, that because i had issues with what followers of that path said and consequently did, i believed that none of what they said was a valid spiritual path to walk, at least for me. no matter how many times i heard that my expectations would never be met, if i held everyone i saw to the high standards they espoused, i could never get past the hypocrisy i saw all around me. ironically i have heard it said by more than a few, that is the reason that cannot surrender to the program of recovery that has given me FREEDOM. if i can forgive the missteps and transgressions of my peers, i can learn to do the same for those who follow the spiritual path that i left during my last set of 12 STEPS. oh yeah, before i forget:

Mike C,
SIXTEEN (16) years clean!
Thank you for being a HUGE part of my recovery and keeping me clean
on that dark August evening, when all i wanted to do, was to numb my feelings.

today i am not confused about having any power to stay clean. i accept that i am an addict and at this point in my recovery i know that IF i rely on myself to stay clean, i will fail. as defeatist as that may sound, it is reality. living a program has required me to make certain accommodations along the way, so i can fit better in the fellowship[ that has given me this life. first and foremost is acknowledging what i can and cannot do for myself. i am clean today, despite the fact that i am an addict. this was far from a forgone conclusion back in the early days and certainly even with some clean time under my belt, it was far from certain, as ii became less and less certain about the spiritual path i thought i had to “swallow.” today i place my FAITH in a POWER that i know is far beyond my grasp or understanding. doe that POWER love and care for me unconditionally? perhaps! what i do know and accept is that POWER keeps me clean, day in and day out. i can rely on that POWER to give me what i need to stay clean today and the opportunity to get what i think i WANT, as well.
with that thought in mind, i think i will take care of what needs to be taken care of and move into my day. it is a great day to be clean and to have the opportunity to correct what i impatiently broke the other day.

∞ DT ∞