Some memes

and enjoy life clean, by applying a few spiritual principles in my life. as i consider my actions over the past few days, i can see that more than one of them in in direct opposition of what i might believe was my own self-interest. i look at my motives in that instance and wonder if it was the possibility about having my selfishness uncovered by someone who respects and like me, or did i pass the gift on, because it was the next right thing to do. in reality, the chances of having my act of omission detected were pretty low. the argument i had with myself went directly to that point, i could keep the gift for myself and chances were that no one would ever know. i even had a big and juicy rationalization crafted so if my conscience got tweaked i could quickly assuage it and move on. of course now i am all butt-hurt because there were no huge outpourings of gratitude because i chose to practice a bit of integrity. such is life in the world of this recovering addict.
moving back into the here and now, takes me to a letter i wrote last night. i guess, up to this point, i have not been plain enough in my communication with one of the men i sponsor. i know that as i have worked with him, in his unique situation, i have enabled him to be lazy and unwilling to ask the questions he needs to ask, to build his life in recovery. by spoon-feeding spiritual principles to him, i certainly have done harm. unfortunately, correcting that harm, by establishing boundaries between his recovery and mine, is not an easy task. teaching another to think for themselves, when everything i have given them, has been predigested and doled out in tiny little chunks is a tectonic shift, but one that needs to be made. changing how i think, by acting with, let's say integrity, when i could be selfish, is the same sort of paradigm shift i am asking of my sponsee. it is certainly not like i came to recovery, was struck clean and instantly started applying the principles i heard spoken of in the rooms, in all my affairs. if i was resistant and hesitant to learn how to think for myself, how can i expect someone else to be any different🙻
what do i take with me, into this busy day ahead? well certainly the notion that the letter i composed last night, needs to be mailed, to act with integrity. my commitment to my sponsee, was that within twenty-four hours i would respond to his letters, and that limit is upon me. i also need to respond to another letter that i have been avoiding. i have yet to come to a full acceptance of that situation and i know that whether or not i CHOOSE to respond, only two people in the world will know. stating that fact has now set off a whole cascade of feelings and compassion and empathy are among them. where that leaves me, is that i will consider over the course of this day, what i need to do and act accordingly. gawd, there are times when i really hate to have feelings and a practical and spiritual set of guidelines, by which to live. today, while hesitant, i am not unwilling to do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞