Some memes

to change what may not be working for me, is without a doubt a good reason to take a daily inventory. it has been quite a year and as i read my entry from last year, i could see that i was on the verge of what might be considered a HUGE turning point in my recovery journey, my FOURTH and FIFTH STEP cycle. i was still too scared to look at the root cause, but i certainly felt the shift starting to come upon me. here, on the other side, i know that i was ready to look at the BIG LIE, when i was ready to, and not a moment before. the fact that it took external events in my immediate family to create the desire to change myself and own what i was, is a bit disconcerting. i have to have FAITH that the recovery process, distilled those experiences into a willingness to move forward. i know today that it was my slavish devotion to daily maintenance that got me to where i am: happier, healthier and certainly saner and more serene.
my big issues these days, all revolve around what others are doing and my unwillingness to play their silly little games. i certainly have arrived at a spot where i no longer care top enable others to spin down into a world of over dependence on the kindness of others. those who seem to be choosing that path do not even seem to have the desire to do anything for themselves and it frustrates me to no end. perhaps i am misreading them and what i see as selfish, self-centered is maybe based on FEAR and loneliness. after all, if someone has to come over and do things for them, for that slice of time, they have another human being in their home. of course, making that admission would mean that i would have to figure out how to be “company” and allow them to be independent at the same time. a trick i have yet to master, as i am mostly a bit angry when i interact with them and attempt to fly-in and fly-out with the greatest of ease.
it is fitting that as i am preparing to take off for new horizons, my client has requested to have all traces of their presence removed from my company's servers. waiting for the first step to be completed, has me feeling a bit sad, but certainly dedicated to the proposition of fulfilling their last request as my last task. there may be events that i cannot see, that will prevent me from doing so, but my intention is to leave my team mates with no extra work to do, as i take off on my new adventure. the road to hell may be paved with good intentions. right here and right now, i am okay with doing my best and seeing what happens.

∞ DT ∞