Blog entry for:

feels to me on most days, just one of those overused tried and true tropes, that has become meaningless over time. this morning, it grates on me a bit more than usual;, after having a video call with my uncle, who probably has less days that my number of fingers and toes, left to live.. amazingly he looked good, sounded strong and was quite clear this morning, so my parting memory of him, will be a good one. on the cold and gray end of October morning, i want to rail and rant about why things happen as they do and allow myself to fall into a pit of despair. i know that desire comes from grief and 2021 has been a year full of that for me. i could go through my litany of misery, once again, or just leave it at that and move along. where all of this is taking me, however, is to a place where i can be grateful for what i do have and do what i can to enjoy the life that has risen from the ashes of active addiction.
when i was using, truth be told, i would have never even heard about my uncle's battle with cancer, much less actually wanted to see him one last time. in fact, it would have been after the fact and i would have used his funeral, as an excuse to get hammered with my cousins. the fact that i have developed a relationship with my family in Montana, is a gift of recovery and the grief i feel over my uncle's terminal state and my Dad's passing six months ago, is also another “gift” of recovery. as i feel the grief and attempt to live through it, without reacting to it, i realize that i can be okay and move forward into this day, which is cold, cloudy and perhaps a bit drizzly.
i have avoided the BIG question, up to now, which is, do i really want to dress for success and head out for my daily workout? yeah, i know kind of an avoidance thing, but it goes to the tropic in a very sideways manner, specifically listening to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, with my heart, rather than my head. i know working out will not save me from the diseases of getting old, BUT, working out allows me to feel better about how i look and certainly how i feel. this morning, as i pound my grief out on the cold pavement of my 'hood, i can feel what i need to feel and be who i want to be, a concerned family member that is doing his best to make sure that i am connected, to myself, to my loved ones, to my friends, to my peers and to the POWER that fuels my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞