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i need to be be reminded of where i came from and where i COULD be going, IF i choose to use. no matter how many times i have said it in the past, it bears repeating this morning, for this addict relapse is a choice. i cannot say that is a fact for anyone else. i often judge those who do relapse, quite harshly. and maintain a bit of distance when they return to recovery, especially if they have been “around” for a more than a minute. today, my life is full of “triggers” that i could allow myself to be victimized by, and make the choice to use, just to “get away” for twenty minutes. the fact is, that twenty minute pause could turn into the rest of my life, as i remember how hard it was to get clean and i am certain it would be no easier now. to sum up: for me it is easier to stay clean, no matter what, just for today, than hope to get clean again.
moving along to what i heard as i sat this morning. this whole topic of relapse, at least for me, was quickly popped off the stack and where i went was to consider my peers who just do not seem to get it and appear to live in a world of being a victim to their addiction. that is of course, their choice and my choice is top let go of the rigid standards i judge them by. i remember when i was the one screaming “why me” and living in the misery and pain of life in the real world, without my chemical buffer. this morning, after attending a meeting last night, i have decided that i am not a victim of the job market nor of any of my previous employers. i am not a victim of circumstances nor of my age. i am where i am, because i made choices and those choice led to results that are not to my liking. when i find a new position, i will make a few different choices, specifically applying myself to be more vigilant about the hours i spend doing my job. right here and right now, it is time to suit up and take care of my physical self. it is a good day to be present and aware and do my best to get a job i really, really have the desire to get.

∞ DT ∞