Blog entry for:

than the force of addiction, was certainly something i needed, way back when and this morning when my feet hit the floor. after a minute clean, i know for certain that addiction is a destructive force in my life and one that needs something that is at least as powerful to counter its influence on me. i am not, as many of you know from reading these little tidbits of my thoughts, a GOD kind of guy. the POWER that fuels my recovery has no human attributes and is not a POWER i call on to get me out of whatever is happening in my life, that i find disturbing, distressing or just not to my liking. i do not ask to be shielded from the consequences of acting out in self-will and i do not fall on my knees in abject worship of that POWER. i do, however, rely on that POWER to provide me what i need to stay clean today and thrive, but i have to present to see those opportunities as they are presented. i do not believe that everything happens for a reason, nor do i believe that there is some sort of divine plan for me. at times knowing all of that to be true for me, has put a great divide between myself and my peers, and that too, was a consequence of self-will, as i would not or could not accept that my understanding of a HIGHER POWER was totally up to me and fVck anyone who judged me for being “out of the norm.” getting out of myself and accepting what i understood to be true for me, was the beginning of the end of the lie that ruled my life for so long.
this little diatribe has gone on a bit too long, suffice it to say that i have more than a bit of remorse over the fact that hid in plain sight for so long and now that i am out of the shadows, i am attempting to make up for lost time. one of the ways that remorse manifests is when my passion is mistaken for anger, by my peers and i move beyond courteous and respectful discussions. at least i no longer live in the delusion that i am right and everyone who opposes me is wrong, in extremis. i know that i have opinions and very strong ones and even when they are totally correct, in the long term, some of my peers may refuse to see that as fact and rail against them. my simple test of whether or not i am in self-will is do i need to explain myself and if i do, do i need to use more than ten words. for me more than ten word explanations turns out to be manipulative justifications and rationalizations. if i have to “trick” someone into seeing my point of view, more than likely it is not spiritual or practical.
it is a good day to be clean and to rely on the POWER that fuels my recovery, to provide for my needs. it is also a good day to get up and get active, as the morning is slipping away from me and i have stuff to do. i am grateful that i have the ability and the desire to be physically active. i will not squander that gift today, as i CHOOSE a new manner in which to live, just for today.

∞ DT ∞