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all my needs are being met; my life is fuller than i had ever hoped it would be. So what is up?
hmmmmm, a very good question, and one for which there is far from a simple answer. part of this reading pertains to a part of me that still thrives on chaos. one may call that part of me the disease of addiction, but i have recently come to the conclusion that the part of me that i call addiction is not the same part of me that desires and thrives on a little bit of chaos in my life. but before i get really rolling:

Linda L
Congratulations on 30 years Clean!

it is a fact, my addiction i uses and will overuse this thrill-seeker and Loki-like part of me, taking what should be a bit of fun to its grossest and most dangerous extreme. i do not, however believe that these are one in the same. nevertheless, life in recovery has been placid lately, and as i like the certainty of day to day routine, i still crave the applecart being upset in tiny and controllable ways, a little nit of unpredictability in my life. would i ever pray for a bit of chaos? OMIGAWD, are you nuts? of course not! what i desire and what i need are most of the times totally different things. since i am powerless over the rest of the world, and powerless over people, and powerless over my feelings, i need to focus on the very few things that i have a bit of power over, namely my behaviors. so how do i introduce a bit of controlled chaos into my life, without giving over to active addiction? when i figure out thew answer to that question i will let you know that the solution is available online for a mere $19.95 and contained in an e-book available for immediate purchase.
in the meantime however. i think i will just try and identify my dreams. be a bit more spontaneous, and see what life dishes up. of course i may be back here in twenty-four hours complaining about how chaotic and tumultuous my life has become after writing out this, after all, i am an addict and nothing, is ever enough or just the way i want it to be, when i view it through the eyes of my addiction!

∞ DT ∞