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a poor, bedraggled soul frantically clawing at something sorely needed, a desperate look in the eyes. so i was prevented by my denial to see myself in such a state and i had to go through months of more suffering before finally coming around to accepting the true state of affairs in my life.
as i sit here this morning i am struck by my memories of what i was like thirteen years ago. yes, i was desperate on that July morning way back when, but i had yet to realize it. more than likely i was hanging out with my using buddies but had not quite got up the courage to use yet this month. i know by now i was already counting and planning and manipulating my next opportunity to use, all the time making it look like i was doing everything i was supposed to be doing. desperately waiting (yes i did use that word on purpose) for that opportunity to be upon me and setting up the connection to seize that opportunity. sitting in the comfort of my climate controlled home, with my belly full and my life full of family, friends, peers, opportunities and challenges, it is hard to remember those days way back when. my actions are quite easy to remember it is my feelings and my thoughts that are difficult to recall, and for this reading this morning i feel it essential to trip back there and see what is really in that time capsule.
i do know that i wanted something more, and not using was not filling the emptiness inside. i do know that i afraid to get close to anyone in the fellowship, because they would be able to sense how fragile i really felt. i do know that everything was geared to looking compliant and planning for my next use. and i now know i was desperately seeking something more, although i would not allow myself to see that way back when. the journey to something more was still a few weeks away and as much as i am firmly rooted in recovery these days, i still remember holding back from allowing myself to find a home back then, in fact i did everything i could to insure that i had distance built and maintained between myself and the fellowships i was attending at that time, and there were 3 and there could have been a few more.
although the mental image of desperation that i led off, was not a physical reality for me, it certainly is an apt description of what the inside of me looked like, all those days ago, and sitting here this morning, i am struck with a bit of of gratitude that i can remember a bit of what those end days were like. with that gratitude in my heart it is off to rejoin my family and enjoy this beautiful day in recovery.

∞ DT ∞