Blog entry for:

well i could write about how desperate i was when i came to recovery, but i have already written about more than once. or i could write about how desperate i have been as i started each step cycle and once again i have already written about that.
today my desperation is minimal, which i feel is a gift but not quite the gift that this morning's quote was all about. i would love to say that i am been grateful for the desperation i feel today, and perhaps later i will be. the desperation i feel today surrounds the process of my friend dying and the behavior of those who love him dearly.
it is difficult for me not to judge the behaviors and react to their pain. i know that i am hurting and have come to a place in this process where i just want his suffering to end. i am tired of watching him linger. i am sad at seeing the ravages on his physical body as it destroys itself with the toxins produced by living.
the desperation i feel is that there is nothing i can do to ease his going except what i have been doing -- showing and being present for him on a daily basis. the gift i get from this desperation is that when i have to do this for my family, i will have some models of how and how not to behave. i also am learning how to deal with my feelings of inadequacy around dealing with other people's pain. today the desperation i have been feeling over this process is turning into new ideas and methods for dealing with the unthinkable -- the death of a loved
∞ DT ∞