Blog entry for:

change my old ways of thinking or return to using. part of that change, is forging ahead with doing the next right thing. so yes i got obsessed about cleaning up my computer this morning, and as a result, did not really go down into my normal state of meditation, so i could listen to what i needed to hear. most of the time, i would say fine and move on. this morning, i did what i desired to get done, then meditated again, and this time it was amazing. going back to something i thought i had already done, was a new thing for me. it is part of the change that is going on within me, and my continuing movement away from the FEAR-based program i was initiated into.
yes, i did say i was brought into a FEAR based program, and this reading goes straight to the point: CHANGE MY THINKING OR FACE RELAPSE. it is the subtle and not subtle messages like this, that kept me afraid for so long, that i totally missed the point that after FEAR is removed, COURAGE leads to a program based on HOPE. even though some days, it is much easier to live in FEAR rather than HOPE. today could be one of those days. i have sponsee with a broken heart who is not allowing me to contact him. i have another sponsee who is out and about and not keeping up with me. what i am hearing as i write this, is that although i can be AFRAID, i can also let go and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to take the reins in this respect and move forward with my day, secure in the knowledge that IT can take care of that stuff adequately, without me fretting and twisting about the outcomes.
a perfect THIRD STEP assignment, especially for me, as that is exactly where i am in my writing. i have done the footwork, made the calls, sent the text messages, and reached out. for this point forward it is beyond my power and it is up to me to let go and be at peace. i feel like the sponsee i worked with yesterday afternoon. i so badly want to control others, because OF COURSE i know what is the best thing for them. as i sit here and listen to myself, i can see i am suffering from the same symptom of our common affliction, namely the lack of FAITH. do i really believe that the POWER that got me here and keeps millions of us clean, would drop the ball here? no not really. what i do believe is that self-will run riot may take over and in the short run, they may make bad decisions based on what they feel they need to do away with, but again i am so fVcking powerless over that as well, there is no point to doing more than i have done and asking the POWER that fuels my recovery to provide them the means to stay clean and in recovery today.
two paths diverged in the woods and i, took the one leading towards FAITH and away from obsession with self. it does not mean i do not care, it just means that i am finally rendering unto Cæsar. so i think i will hit the streets while the rain has stopped and work off some of the crap that is rolling around in my head. for me, it is another great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞