Blog entry for:

giving up before i start, than to risk everything on a slim hope, that this recovery gig may actually work.
ok, so i had a less than stellar day yesterday. i was ungrateful, judgmental, intolerant, superior in attitude, and yet i made it through the day clean. that at one time was more than enough, the staying clean part. if i would have shared that at some meetings that would be enough for applause and kudos. for me, and the way i see the world, staying clean is cool, and without a doubt, part of what i NEED to do on a daily basis. acting out on my character defects, however, is not part of my plan and when my will takes over, the results are far from pretty. taking a critical look at my attitudes, feelings and the behaviors arising form them, is part of the step i am currently immersed within, and although i have yet to write one word about what i am doing, i can feel myself changing to fit what i see as the direction the POWER that fuels my recovery, has set before me. yes, i know, it sounds a whole like a wad of predestination and fate, and sometimes, it is just easier to go there, resign myself to the fact that i am a superstitious peasant and join the sheeple in their march into the corridors of steel, the mind-numbing, unquestioning conformity of willful ignorance.
while i was in my character defect mode last night, i notices that some of my peers, especially those who profess their FAITH in no uncertain terms, lack a vocabulary to go beyond describing the spiritual state as they see it. that is an observation and not meant to be a judgement, for me, i am glad i came to the program with a mind that needed to be cracked open with a fVcking stick of dynamite. the fact that the first three steps were the hardest for me to swallow and the ones i faked for most of my first two years in the program, is what led me to the rich spiritual experience i now enjoy. i have no more hoops to jump through. best of all, i am totally unconcerned about whether my actions today will lead to some eternal reward or damnation. i certainly do not act out of altruism by any means, but doing the next right thing, with very little expectation of reward in the her and now or the eternal ever-after, is not a bad mode of living. even when i have days like yesterday, where i ended up at odds with the people i love and respect the most, i can see that there is HOPE for a addict like me. the time has come, however, to wrap this up and get on over to Boulder, for another day of gainful employment, and as i roll through today, perhaps i can make better choice about how i respond to my feelings than i did yesterday.

∞ DT ∞