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if i remain complacent for long, my recovery process ceases.
how well i know this to be true. partly from my observation of the behavior of others, who say one thing and then go out and do something else. MOSTLY, however, from my own personal experience. more than once, i have found myself acting and feeling like those early days of recovery, or even worse, the end days of active addiction, shaking my head and wondering WTF! while illustrative of my spiritual state, these events are so seldom that when i get there, i am certainly already in relapse and ready to pick up at the next opportunity. it is a good thing, that those opportunities do not cross my path very often. no complacency usually leads to a state of being that is barely detectable from every day living for me. it is far more subtle than the dire state i described above, and its effect is most visible on the people around me, those i love the most and who are the biggest part of my life. unfortunately for me, one of the symptoms is my withdrawal from reality and becoming less than mindful and present for what is going on here and now.
so the question that is being begged here right now is, am i currently in that sad state of recovery, complacently sliding to becoming intolerable, unlikeable and generally ready to pick up and use? well i have been to a bunch of meetings over the past 10 day, done service, met with sponsees, and done my daily maintenance, so the quick answer would be no. i, however have not checked in with my sponsor nor have i done any step work in what seems like forever, so in that respect the answer would have to be yes, probably. if only life were really that simple and that was a binary state of being. alas, there are very few of those situations in the real world. yes, i am either clean or i am not. yes, i either smoke or i do not. i am however, both divine and profane; ignorant and smart; and part of the solution as well as part of the problem. as much as i would like to think that thousands of days clean shields me from the ravages of using or somehow provides me the grace to go bumbling along the path of life unconcerned about the pace of my spiritual growth, i know that is not the case. yes, doing the recovery gig daily has become second nature to me, and as a result i do have a lot of grace in that respect. thinking that i KNOW something and acting as if i KNOW something, separates me form a state of learning, and when i stop learning i stop growing and start going. it is true i may not pick up today, but those people who can, will choose to give me a wide berth, when they see me coming. those that must interact with me, well they generally make it as short as possible. thinking back lover the past few days, that does not seem to be the case, so i am not as badly off the track as i one might think given the state of my current step writing assignment. that does not mean i get to continue here for any length of time, as i have a very unpleasant person i will need to deal with in less than a month, in a social and service situation that i choose to be a part of still. i WILL need to get my spiritual ducks in a row, and perhaps i can use the reading today as a wake-up call for what i NEED to do, or not. sometimes ignorance is truly bliss and yes if need be, there will be another EIGHTH STEP coming down the pike ;)
so before the heat of the day gets any worse, it is off to the streets and into this day. is my program in need of some serious action? more than likely, and perhaps as the day wears on i will do what i can to get it back into shape, it is after all a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞