Blog entry for:
Thu, Apr 9, 2015 07:48:53 AM
¢ i wanted to be rid of the problems ¢
posted: Thu, Apr 9, 2015 07:48:53 AM
hos is it that i recognize that sort of behavior? it comes from close intimate contact as the perpetrator of: do sh!t then hide, obfuscate and generally do anything not to be held accountable for my actions, it was my mantra and my main means of survival back in the days of active addiction, and the echoes of that behavior are still present today. just like those cops, i want to do something bad and walk away from it without consequences, the parallel however ends there, i do not pay dues to some organization that helps to facilitate the cover-up. no unfortunately for me, the organization, which just happens to be the fellowship that has given me this new of living, encourages just the opposite, own my actions and take the responsibility for the consequences they bring, dang it all! one of the gifts i have been given in recovery is a conscience. while i never shot anyone in the back, literally, more than once figuratively i have. in fact, time and again, it was one of my main methods of operation, wound someone deep enough with the weapons at hand,m so that i could feel better, look better and hence BE BETTER! ah the amends i have had to make for that set of behaviors, and yet, as the need and the opportunity arises i find myself once again on the brink of doing that same old sh!t, hoping not to get caught, as i do not want to face the consequences of that behavior.
and so it goes. can't do the time? don't do the crime. has become my newest mantra and one that rings in my head, when i catch myself on the precipice of a decision to behave in a less than stellar manner or in a situation where a quick little lie will allow me to save some face. today, well, today i am working from home, even though the reason i originally stated has been altered and is no longer valid. today? well today i may meet with a sponsee a little bit later, but i do know that today, i will do my work for the full time that they are paying me for, and do it to the best of my ability and be grateful that when the mood strikes , i can work from the comfort of my own home. best of all, i can walk through today, and CHOOSE not to have any consequences for the actions i take, that i am not ready to face, just by doing the next right thing, which right here and right now is a shower.
∞ DT ∞
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.
Another Look!
↔ i am free not to act out my negative feelings? ↔ 495 words ➥ Sunday, April 9, 2006 by: donnot↔ i may feel like doing something destructive, just because i want to. i have done it before.↔ 506 words ➥ Monday, April 9, 2007 by: donnot
∞ the longer i stay clean and work the program, the more freedom i experience. … 582 words ➥ Wednesday, April 9, 2008 by: donnot
μ i came to this fellowship with something less than an overwhelming desire to stop using μ 507 words ➥ Thursday, April 9, 2009 by: donnot
Δ sure, using drugs caused problems, and of course i wanted to be rid of the problems … 647 words ➥ Friday, April 9, 2010 by: donnot
¡ i am learning to experience my feelings and am starting ¡ 658 words ➥ Saturday, April 9, 2011 by: donnot
∅ it is okay to feel my feelings ∅ 348 words ➥ Monday, April 9, 2012 by: donnot
ℑ i am learning to experience feelings and ℑ 515 words ➥ Tuesday, April 9, 2013 by: donnot
℘ sooner or later, the compulsion to use ℘ 619 words ➥ Wednesday, April 9, 2014 by: donnot
⧝ acting out ⧝ 844 words ➥ Saturday, April 9, 2016 by: donnot
☕ not acting out ☕ 904 words ➥ Sunday, April 9, 2017 by: donnot
🏚 something less than 🏗 736 words ➥ Monday, April 9, 2018 by: donnot
🌠 not willing 🌠 399 words ➥ Tuesday, April 9, 2019 by: donnot
🌩 feelings can 🌪 541 words ➥ Thursday, April 9, 2020 by: donnot
😈 negative feelings 😎 486 words ➥ Friday, April 9, 2021 by: donnot
🌋 i am learning 🌋 509 words ➥ Saturday, April 9, 2022 by: donnot
🤨 surrendering 🤨 471 words ➥ Sunday, April 9, 2023 by: donnot
🌁 less than 🌁 461 words ➥ Tuesday, April 9, 2024 by: donnot
☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge
Book 1
1) Who knows his manhood's strength,
Yet still his female feebleness maintains;
As to one channel flow the many drains,
All come to him, yea, all beneath the sky.
Thus he the constant excellence retains;
The simple child again, free from all stains.
Who knows how white attracts,
Yet always keeps himself within black's shade,
The pattern of humility displayed,
Displayed in view of all beneath the sky;
He in the unchanging excellence arrayed,
Endless return to man's first state has made.
Who knows how glory shines,
Yet loves disgrace, nor e'er for it is pale;
Behold his presence in a spacious vale,
To which men come from all beneath the sky.
The unchanging excellence completes its tale;
The simple infant man in him we hail.