Blog entry for:

an overwhelming desire to stop using or stay clean for any length of time, certainly describes me to a **T,** at least for the first eighteen months of my recovery journey. life in my skin, in those heinous days of mere abstinence was shall i say, more than a bit of hell on Earth. all i wanted was relief from the consequences of active addiction and all i got was bone-crunching jones and the desire to alter how i felt, twenty-four/seven. when i finally stopped fighting and surrendered to the fact that i was an addict and required something more, i certainly found that i could do more than just survive my addiction. here i sit, a long minute later and the gift i “got” was the ability to thrive, rather than merely survive.
the reading however, was all about “acting out” and to this day, i still have the desire to change how i am feeling using the plethora of less than stellar behaviors i have developed over the course of my life. most of the time, what i am trying to get out of, is a bit of paralyzing FEAR. even though i may have found a path to self-respect and acceptance, it does not mean i stay true to that direction. i am more than apt to wander off and take a detour or shortcut and as a result, find myself in untenable positions. of course it then becomes a matter of saving face, and diverting others from the truth is my first defense, after all if no one notices, i may actually get away with something. learning to forgive myself for what i was and have a bit of empathy for my using niece, is now a daily task. the mess my Mom left behind is resolving and the final pieces are falling into place. there are certainly a few roadblocks in the way and i accept that there may come a minute where i have to enforce the final solution upon someone who has yet to get their life together. some deadlines are written in stone these days and as they approach, i will have to find the ways and means to enforce them with gentle firmness. so it goes…
anyhow, work does beckon me and i have a project that i got my first clue about how to solve yesterday afternoon. a bit of coffee and a bit of doom-scrolling will get me over the hump and into head's down development. i want to be an asset today, just for today and acting out will not lead me down that path. it is time to make the donuts.

∞ DT ∞