ฮฑ understanding and dealing with mortality ฮฉ
Posted: Sat, Aug 20, 2005 08:38:14 AM
this morning i had a dream about sharing on this exact reading, long before i read it. somehow my sub-conscious must have remembered that this reading was next in the rotation. it would be nice to remember what i shared so i could write it verbatim right now and be the lazy sort of person that i like to make others think i am. be that it as it may, i have been thinking about the issues of life and death, and they have been a recurring theme over the past eleven months of my recovery. i have found it more than a little disconcerting that my feelings of loss since my friend Jim has passed have not consumed me with paralyzing grief. although i have never been one to be consumed for days on end with any particular feeling, i still have yet to really break loose with what is going on around his death over a month ago. it was Jim that opened my eyes to my own mortality, even at forty-nine i have yet to grasp that i am not immortal and indestructible. and the process of putting myself up for evaluation as a live liver donor as well as watching Jim fade away has started the process of self-examination and renewal of my current relationships within me.
Jim has shown me a way to die with dignity and respect and i got to ease his passing by just being there every day at the end. perhaps having and exercising the choice to say goodbye to my friend is minimizing the effect of grief on my life today, i do not know and really i am not as concerned about it as i make out.
my concern today is how am i going to fix the relationships with those who i love and share my life with today? how am i going to maximize my experience with each and every one of those people? how am i going to allow them to be part from of my life without hurting them when acting-out? and most of how am i going to let each and every one of them know that i love them unconditionally right now?
my path is clearly laid out, if i choose to remember those four questions i just asked. if i choose to be present, do the work in front of me and live each day moment by moment, i can accomplish that which i desire -- loving and being loved by all those with whom i share my life.
∞ DT ∞
Jim has shown me a way to die with dignity and respect and i got to ease his passing by just being there every day at the end. perhaps having and exercising the choice to say goodbye to my friend is minimizing the effect of grief on my life today, i do not know and really i am not as concerned about it as i make out.
my concern today is how am i going to fix the relationships with those who i love and share my life with today? how am i going to maximize my experience with each and every one of those people? how am i going to allow them to be part from of my life without hurting them when acting-out? and most of how am i going to let each and every one of them know that i love them unconditionally right now?
my path is clearly laid out, if i choose to remember those four questions i just asked. if i choose to be present, do the work in front of me and live each day moment by moment, i can accomplish that which i desire -- loving and being loved by all those with whom i share my life.
∞ DT ∞