Blog entry for:

that i have walked and still have been able to find recovery. i begin to believe that recovery is available to me, too. being uniques or so much worse than others was one of the first beliefs that i needed to overcome before i was ready to accept what this program had to offer. part of my problem is that i started out in the wrong fellowship for all the wrong reasons. that however is ancient history and i was fortunate enough to find enough of what i needed in that phase of my recovery to be able to move forward when i learned who and what i really was. what was that startling revelation, way back when? well, it was that i was an addict, that what and how much i used was totally irrelevant, and that i could recover, just like thousands of addicts worldwide, if i chose to avail myself to the experience, strength and hope of those who had gone before me.
well that little crack in the wall of how different i was, how much better i was, how much crazier i was, and how much better i was, was enough to start an avalanche of change within me. that change, while not roaring over me with brute force, is still ongoing today. i can still go to the place about how unique i am, and well you know the drill, suffice it to say that the same insanity that prevented from seeing who i really was all those days ago, still pops up and infects my thinking these days from time to time. in fact, just the other day, i had the the thought that i lacked the skills to sponsor a newcomer, after all, those who had sponsored him in the past had way more experience than i did, and since they had way more clean time than me, they had to have been way better choices and provided way more profound understanding of how this is done. well i ignored what the part of me i call addiction was screaming and said yes, and then a sudden peace came over me, as once again, i returned to what the basic aspect of this program is: one addict helping another. time will tell if this relationship will blossom into something that i will treasure, but that is the case with any newcomer. i am who i am, and all of a sudden i am beginning to accept that i do have a vision for myself that was beyond my wildest dreams. yes i can still twist and turn, but so what, i am an addict in recovery and that is to be expected, if it did not happen is when the bells and klaxons should start sounding. life will be interesting over the course of the next few weeks, but that is also a gift that i can choose to cherish instead of dread. i am after all just another dime and grateful for being able to say that today.

∞ DT ∞