Some memes

helps me to belong even more. having the desire to belong anywhere was something i would consciously deny, throughout my life and certainly during my active addiction. the irony, of course, was that my greatest desire was to find my tribe and i thought my using buddies were it. the reality of what those relationships were, at least from my side, was that i never let anyone in and made sure they only saw what i wanted them to see. for me, everything was transactional and self-centered entitlement. not a very good model to be a member of the tribe.
coming to the rooms was not what i wanted to do and i sure as hell did not have any desire to be one of the bros in recovery. i wanted to stick around just long enough to get off paper and learn how to use like a gentleman. i did not believe i would ever find any common ground with the members who were already here, way back when. they were way too happy and had their lives way to far together. i had my doubts how any of them, especially if they used in a manner even close to the way i used, could be clean and that happy. i played the part, learned the scripts and acted as if i was an addict in recovery, even though i was merely abstinent. service was the way i got to be somewhat a part of something, but i never tried to ever “fit in,” as this was just a temporary rest stop in my using life.
once i hung around enough for my wall of denial to start to fall apart, i started to see that “those people” did have something i wanted. they did have similar experiences and most important thought and felt the way i did. once i encountered that common thread, i finally started down the path of becoming a part of and learning how to serve without needing to feel the approval of my peers. although the latter certainly took much longer than the former. as i began to feel who i was and grow more comfortable in my own skin, i started to have the desire to keep my tribe growing by welcoming and including the newest of the new, as there is always a task that needs someone to do it, even if it is just putting the room back the way we found it.
right here and right now as i prepare to head out for Easter brunch, i can be okay knowing that my tribe has my back. i certainly “belong” somewhere today and i am not embarrassed to say that it is in the rooms of a Twelve Step fellowship. my peers provide me with all i need to live a life free from active addiction and almost as importantly a full life that has purpose and direction, even if a specific or direction still eludes me. it is a good day to be clean and it is time to post this little ditty and move on with my day.

∞ DT ∞