Blog entry for:

before my eyes, the first traces of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness begin to appear. Something is happening inside this person, something bigger and more powerful than either of us. watching that transformation is incredible, however it is hard to be a witness of that transformation within myself. so what i took away from the reading this morning was that if that is happening inside of the addicts i share the message of recovery with, then it must also be happening in me also. i might be able to take this on FAITH, if i was that sort of person, but like all the abstract concepts that i have come to accept in recovery, this one also needs a chain of evidence, that is irrefutable, at least to my disease riddled brain. it is true that i am more honest, willing, open-minded and true to myself than i ever have been, at least for as long as i remember. since memory is such a fickle thing, i will take that to mean that as far as i can tell, i never been this sort of person, and leave at that. so the question that begs asking is where did this change come from. if it was always part of me, than recovery would not have necessary, after all, i would have come to this place sooner or later, all i had to do is stop using and voilà here i would be. but of course, that would have been impossible, because as an addict, i could not or would not stop using long enough to allow some sort of transformation to occur inside of me. so if this was a transformation that was not possible through ant force of m=y will, and looking at the facts that does appear to be the case, than it must have come form external forces. since i have yet top see any evidence of psychic mind control from members of the fellowship and since i appear to still have free will to act contrary to what they have been telling me, i do not believe that i am being controlled by members of the fellowship. so that only leaves the possibility that something beyond this mundane world, something greater than me, is at work in my life and that something got started the very first time the message was given to me. what message? that an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use and find a new way to live.
so here i sit several days later thinking about how transformed i have become and what kind of person i am becoming, marveling at the work being done by a POWER GREATER THAN ME.
and on that note, i will step out into this mundane world and see what i can get done today.

∞ DT ∞