Blog entry for:

in any case, the reservations i harbor give me permission to use when they come true -- as they often do. okay major irony here! i am in the process of trying to get a sponsee to see his reservations, and up pops this reading. not that it is some sort of sign, but it definitely a way into breaking through his denial structure. the head on approach has not failed yet, but as he vigorously defends his untenable position, it is perhaps time to try a different tack, and one that is unexpected. perhaps then i can start to get that wall to crumble. be that as it may, enough about other people and into what this said to me this morning.
so thinking about my own structure of denial and how the reservations i have in my head may fit into that whole scheme of things, i come to the conclusion, that this is without a doubt an area of my recovery that needs to be looked at, at least in the here and now. my first thought (yes i know first thought wrong) is that i am without reservations, or better said, i have enumerated my reservations and decided that i can deal with them, using the fellowship, a HIGHER POWER, and the tools of recovery that i have been given this may be accurate, but it is probably more than a little disingenuous. i can go on and on, defending an untenable position to fulfill my desire to be right, and see now, that is a reservation of sorts. does that mean that i will use, if i cannot be right all the time? maybe, maybe not, what it does tell me is that even with a few days under my belt, i am not all that different from the relapse king that has been on my mind the past sixteen hours. he asked to move into speaking about his last use, and as i think about the topic of relapse, and what would make me feel like the only alternative was using, i do believe i will oblige him. after all, i know why he used -- because he is an addict in active addiction! what he needs is to finally accept that fact and deal with it, in the here and now. honestly, if history is any indicator of future success, there really is very little hope for him. as soon as he gets out, and finds a job, recovery will once again take a distant second place to him fulfilling his material needs and wants, and once again he will find himself sitting where he is now, wondering what happened. so my task is to take up this gauntlet, and use this enforced time out, to get him to desire recovery above and beyond everything else in his life.
so before i send him his next assignment, i need to get quiet, listen to my heart is saying and get in a place where i am in alignment with the will of a HIGHER POWER and not at odds with that POWER. so it is time to his the streets and be one with the pavement. life is after all too good to throw away for the momentary relief of chemical bliss.

∞ DT ∞