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i can be reassured that no matter what life brings today, i can stay clean. part of the premise of this reading is that i as well as every addict in recovery have reservations. it is quite a broad brush, and i realize that the JFT readings are meant to make me think, and not to be some sort of Cassandra-like prophecy, just waiting to come true. so going down that track, i can see that this morning is a good time for a purposeful exploration of what i do and do not believe right now., at least in this respect.
i know that when i formally work a FIRST STEP, or when i take one of the men who have honored me by asking me to sponsor them, through this step, we always come to this point. the question that i son the table is what would make me use? although that question is as appropriate for me as it is for a newcomer, after some time, the answer becomes more than a little trite. i have been through a whole bunch of stuff in my recovery, and while there are disasters that may or may not be looming, i feel confident that the feelings that these disasters will bring are ones that i can feel without having to use. at this point in my recovery a better question to ask is; would i need to use if this or that event happened? the place i go with that, is would i have to use, if i found out that i was going to die? not that i am obsessed with dieing, but it is an interesting question, especially after i have moved into desiring to have a full and healthy life and doing more than just wishing for it to come to fruition. there is the crux of this problem. it would seem, that for me anyhow, reservations arise out of expectations, if i work-out, do not smoke, eat more healthfully, i expect to have a long and healthy life. i expect a reward for what i am doing, a payoff so to speak, if if i do not get it, i have to consider whether or not what i am doing is worth the effort. the trap is that while i am looking for my reward i lose sight of what is really happening in the here and now. when i shift my focus into the realm of ‘what-ifs’, i am setting myself up to use again. so like the reward of s long and healthy life, i need to examine if i am expecting something out of doing this whole recovery gig. is my payoff: love, material success, respect of my peers and my community or something else? which brings me to the real question is that if i do not get that reward, will i come to the conclusion that the work i put into living a program of recovery is not worth the effort, starting the downward spiral into active addiction again? as one can see, it is not the act of using that i must be vigilant for, and examine my reservations around, it is the act of practicing a program of recovery, as i am quite certain the day i decide this recovery gig is not paying off is the day i might as well start the misery of active addiction again. i have seen what the half-life of addicts who are not practicing a program and have not used yet looks like, and for i have no desire to be there. this is a place where there is a lot of gray between the binary choice and i look at it as i do not want to live there.
what does that mean today? well for one, it strengthens my resolve to ask for and gratefully take the power to stay clean today. it also means that as i walk through today, i need to look to be the best i can, an d live a program in the here and now. most of all, it means being honest with myself as to what i expect to happen today, and preparing myself for my expectations not being met, after all, my expectations are not all realistic. so it is off to move the skiff of snow from my driveway and sidewalks and into this cold wintry day. it is a good day to do whatever it takes to be an active participant in my life and my recovery.

∞ DT ∞