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such emotions cannot be seen as gifts, i tell myself. after all, how can i be thankful for things i want to run from?! any interesting dilemma to ponder early this saturday morning. and since i am up and active, i might as well take care of the stuff that needs to be taken care of.
anyhow, i digress, this whole judging feelings and categorizing them, really boils down to this -- the feelings i like to feel are **GOOD**, those that i do not are **BAD** and all other feelings fall into the ""DOES NOT MATTER** category; or at least that was what i thought when i came to recovery. not that i was judging my feelings based on my tastes, that realization did not come for quite some time, no the behavior itself. i did my best to battle my feelings and the use of substances to extend those feelings i liked and suppress those feeling that i did not was just part of the status quo for me, and something i did without thinking about -- automatic using or asit said in the rooms **using against my will**.
for me, early recovery was a roller-coaster ride of feelings and emotions, as this gift was thrust upon me without my consent. which gift? the gift of feeling the full range of human emotions! i was quite unprepared for it, and the shrink i was court-ordered to see, put me on some medication because she believed that i had panic disorder. perhaps i do, perhaps i do not, all i know is that even on that medication, the avalanche of feelings that i had successfully suppressed for 25 or 26 years of using, crashed down upon me daily, hourly, heck even moment to moment. yet, i did not use, and over time, left the medical solution behind and accepted the spiritual solution instead.
part of that solution was learning to accept feelings and emotions for what they are -- feelings that will not kill me, and pass as quickly as they came, without any intervention or action on my part.
time passes, i have worked some steps, i have stayed clean, and yet sometimes feelings still suck, and i want to do what i can to make them go away. i have been speaking of a shiny new toy all week. i know that is a reaction to the grief i am feeling for a fantasy that never was, and one that will never be, and i finally succumbed to the urge to purchase it yesterday. my rationalization goes something like this -- i wanted one for over three years now, i needed a new phone anyhow, so why not kill my desire, take care of my need and save $450 all in a single blow. so i did! the amazing part is that i did not feel any better after buying it, and this morning i feel no regret for having my shiny new toy, so perhaps there was more wrapped up in this particular purchase than just trying to suppress my grief.
that possibility never occurred to me, as i looked at the coupon all week long, trying to figure out whether or not to spring for it. the good part is, is i waited for five days before acting. i let the immediacy die away, before scratching that itch and perhaps it was a good thing in the long run. it really does not matter -- i love my new toy and i am not taking it back now -- even after twenty-four hours of letting things settle.
so what does having feelings -- good, bad or indifferent -- have to do with all of this? well i am still learning that being present with my feelings, and doing my best to avoid judging them, is actually the best course of action for this addict. that of course implies, that as i let go of the value judgments, i get to become grateful for having any feelings at all, and that all feelings just are -- are a gift that needs to be cherished and nurtured and not one to be scorned and ignored. so off to the cold hard streets to do my thang and be good to myself -- it is after all a wonderful day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞