Blog entry for:

if i truly desire freedom, i will seek to rid myself of as much extra weight as possible. as wonderful as this idea may seem in theory, there are times when i just cannot let go. oh yes, i have worked the steps, and i do understand the damage carrying a resentment does to me, but sometimes, it just feels good to nurse a good grudge. is that addict or human behavior? i do not know nor do i care. for me, it is the learning to let go that is important and not the dive into the psychology of the act itself.
so where am i at today? well, i got up way to early and have accomplished several hours worth of stuff that has been sitting on my desk. since i twang, twang, twang went my hamstring the other morning, i am in a state of enforced break from running, and all of a sudden i have an extra hour or so in the morning to get some stuff done. so before i hit the showers, i figured i needed to stop and pause for a bit a consider whether the weight of any resentments i am carrying is worth the cost. the whole cost benefit analysis part of my recovery program is an interesting bit of sophistry i with myself. as i nurse a grudge into a nice juicy resentment, the cost is my spiritual development as referred to in the entry this morning, BUT that is not the only cost i see. my self-esteem suffers, as i can use the model of a perfect recovering addict as a yardstick by which to measure myself. of course, i will never measure up to that standard, so i have to be a piece of excrement or something like that. then, of course, there is the whole thinking ill of others and judgmental bit, another character defect has been activated and once again, i am lacking in my program. finally, there is the self-flagellation part, about how i should know better and yet i still do. after looking at all of this and more, i can see any momentary enjoyment i get out of the resentment is hardly worth the spiritual cost that i need to pay. so if i am unwilling to pay that price, which i am, then my only sensible course of action is to let go and forgive. forgive thew object of my resentment and forgive myself for participating in creating and holding on to the resentment. and when all of that comes together in some perfect spiritual cleansing storm, i am once again free to soar to new heights. and when it does not, well there is still plenty of work to do.
where is all this leading? well for me, just for today, i do believe i will let go of any grudges, or resentments i may be holding and see where i can go. after all, the excess energy i am burning there can certainly be better used elsewhere in my life. it is a good day to recover, so i think i will!

∞ DT ∞