โ it was hard for me to believe in myself, when i was struggling to get clean โ
Posted: Sun, Jun 7, 2009 08:40:06 AM
but when someone loves me unconditionally, offering support no matter what my current spiritual state is, recovery becomes a little more real for me. so for a sunday, i have been far too busy putting out fires, and not really getting into what my plan of the day was supposed to be. be that as it may the time has come to stop, pause, take a breath and move into something else, namely go back to the beginning and start again.
no you silly goose, not get clean again, start my day again, by focusing on what the reading said to me way back when i was just getting started this morning. yes i could have been considered a one who frequently relapsed, back in the day. truthfully, however, i had no desire to get clean, stay clean or recover for the first seven months of my recovery. to relapse would mean that my intention was to stay abstinent, and i had no intention of staying abstinent except for as long as i needed to, to keep my bodily fluids clear of what those in authority were testing for, which in my case was just about everything.
so i was dishonest, unwilling and closed-minded, until the consequences of using finally reached a level that was unacceptable to me. then and only then did i enter recovery and since that day, i have not had to use. even in those dishonest times, even if they did not realize i was using, the members loved me unconditionally, kept telling to keep coming back and offered their support. when i finally got to the point that recovery was possible for me, they also saw me through those days when all i wanted to do was use, and use and use again. trust me, in my first few months of actual recovery, those days came often and with a fury that it is a miracle i stayed clean.
so although i keep my distance from the relapse parade these days, i try and be willing to talk, and those in my life who are in that parade, do get my unconditional love and support. the others? well i am working on that these days,, and who knows, perhaps i will be able to return to offering my support, my unconditional love is always available, but i know that my distance keeps them from feeling that. i know who it is that has moved, and as i finish sorting out the changes this step cycle has wrought, i will be able to decrease that distance and be a participant in giving them the support they require from me.
so off to the streets to work off the strawberry shake i just had to have last night, it is after all just another day to recover the best that i can.
no you silly goose, not get clean again, start my day again, by focusing on what the reading said to me way back when i was just getting started this morning. yes i could have been considered a one who frequently relapsed, back in the day. truthfully, however, i had no desire to get clean, stay clean or recover for the first seven months of my recovery. to relapse would mean that my intention was to stay abstinent, and i had no intention of staying abstinent except for as long as i needed to, to keep my bodily fluids clear of what those in authority were testing for, which in my case was just about everything.
so i was dishonest, unwilling and closed-minded, until the consequences of using finally reached a level that was unacceptable to me. then and only then did i enter recovery and since that day, i have not had to use. even in those dishonest times, even if they did not realize i was using, the members loved me unconditionally, kept telling to keep coming back and offered their support. when i finally got to the point that recovery was possible for me, they also saw me through those days when all i wanted to do was use, and use and use again. trust me, in my first few months of actual recovery, those days came often and with a fury that it is a miracle i stayed clean.
so although i keep my distance from the relapse parade these days, i try and be willing to talk, and those in my life who are in that parade, do get my unconditional love and support. the others? well i am working on that these days,, and who knows, perhaps i will be able to return to offering my support, my unconditional love is always available, but i know that my distance keeps them from feeling that. i know who it is that has moved, and as i finish sorting out the changes this step cycle has wrought, i will be able to decrease that distance and be a participant in giving them the support they require from me.
so off to the streets to work off the strawberry shake i just had to have last night, it is after all just another day to recover the best that i can.
∞ DT ∞