Blog entry for:

humility simply means i drop all pretense and live as honestly as i can. as i started writing this, i got a phone call that goes to the heart of this reading. it reminded me of how far i have come along the whole humility trip, and most importantly how far i need to go. i still take on other people’s stuff and crave their affection and praise, at least from time to time. i forget that the power i have been given is to be okay with myself, just as i am today. there is an old saying that one can never be rich enough or thin enough, and that has been my mantra for what feels like forever. only recently have i really begun to move away from giving my power away to others. recovery just shifted that statement to be that i can never be spiritual enough, and the appearance of being spiritual, is sometime more important to me than actually doing something for the right reason. the part of me i call addiction can still rule my life and when i catch myself caught up in that paradigm, of course the baseball bat comes out and of course i am the object of my abuse. i am tired of being my own whipping boy, and when i get tired of that, i guess the thing to do, is to look back at where i was and where i am going, and let today take care of itself.
being honest, as in living honestly is one of the toughest lessons i am learning, and it is not without its own set of problems. after all, i get lonely, and when i get lonely, i find the need to seek approval grows out of all proportion. YUCK! it really does not matter if this is a effect of of addiction, or just being human, the fact that i cannot let go of what others think is the important part for me.
living in true humility is what i want today, and although i never can achieve that, at least not 24/7 365 days a year, i can have moments of being okay and accepting myself for what i am and am not. to make those moments grow, all i have to do is to let go and surrender once again to the POWER that provides the means for me to stay clean today. the honest truth is that i have more and more of these moments and less and less of NEEDING to put on a show for anyone who happens to be around me. so if i continue doing what i have been doing, the NEED will diminish and i will get better. after all, i do deserve to be here, i do deserve to recover and the only thing in my way is myself.

∞ DT ∞