โฆ being myself โฆ
Posted: Fri, Nov 28, 2014 09:39:51 AM
yes, i could have lifted a whole lot more from the reading this morning, BUT this says the best what came to me in that quiet time when i sat and listened. no small clear voice, no burning bushes, no drum-rolls, thunderclaps or angelic choirs, just a certain knowing and feeling that this is where i need to focus. i wonder when my peers speak about the punctuation marks around their revelations and awakenings, if i am missing something. i start to question whether i am doing it correctly when i hear them speak of special places and rituals that accompany their daily practice. and when there is no certainty of direction, as it happens on most mornings, i wonder what it is i am missing?
so, instead of this little mind dump being about how i loathe who i appear to be, from time to time, and how falling back on my well practiced and familiar behaviors is part of my M-O, i am focusing on the part of the ELEVENTH STEP that presents the fewest issues for me, most of the time. i “sit” every day. the length of that time varies, depending on my mood, the stuff that is going through me head and what i think i NEED to be doing next. my peers tell me how long they do it for, and all of a sudden i am not good enough, as evidenced by my lack of being able to it as long as they do, meditate that is. so the next thing i think, is perhaps i need some outside instruction in this matter, the mechanics of meditation, and i am off to the internet looking for a guru or two. it certainly is a good thing i have a sponsor, and that after calm consideration, i implement his suggestions, otherwise the competitive side of me would be taking over and i would be racing to be the best fVcking meditator in my peer group. he exact words, DO NOT OBSESS over meditation, at this time, just do what i have been doing. in other words, BE MYSELF!
guess what i heard, as i sat this morning, the exact same thing, that i am on the correct path for me, and by comparing my times and preparations with those of my peers, i am in essence comparing my insides with their outsides, and of course in that bit of insanity, i will always lose. in fact, that is the point of that exercise, setting myself up to lose, in which i can trigger an avalanche of emotions, that will give me more than enough reason to hit the nearest legal purveyor of mind and mood altering substances and get the relief to which i am more than entitled to receive. that was part of what was so upsetting in my using addict experience of a few nights ago, the mirror that he provided to that part of me, that is always seeking a way back to the life of active addiction. thousands of days in a row means squat when it comes to that bit, as i am always eligible to use again, and not only have the means but the opportunity as well.
anyhow, Black Friday or not, the time has come to wrap this up and head on out to my next destination this morning. life on two legs is certainly an adventure, add an oversize brain and a bit of free-will and well you know the story…
it is a great day to be clean and you know what, just all myself to be myself, regardless of who i happen to run into, across the course of my day.
so, instead of this little mind dump being about how i loathe who i appear to be, from time to time, and how falling back on my well practiced and familiar behaviors is part of my M-O, i am focusing on the part of the ELEVENTH STEP that presents the fewest issues for me, most of the time. i “sit” every day. the length of that time varies, depending on my mood, the stuff that is going through me head and what i think i NEED to be doing next. my peers tell me how long they do it for, and all of a sudden i am not good enough, as evidenced by my lack of being able to it as long as they do, meditate that is. so the next thing i think, is perhaps i need some outside instruction in this matter, the mechanics of meditation, and i am off to the internet looking for a guru or two. it certainly is a good thing i have a sponsor, and that after calm consideration, i implement his suggestions, otherwise the competitive side of me would be taking over and i would be racing to be the best fVcking meditator in my peer group. he exact words, DO NOT OBSESS over meditation, at this time, just do what i have been doing. in other words, BE MYSELF!
guess what i heard, as i sat this morning, the exact same thing, that i am on the correct path for me, and by comparing my times and preparations with those of my peers, i am in essence comparing my insides with their outsides, and of course in that bit of insanity, i will always lose. in fact, that is the point of that exercise, setting myself up to lose, in which i can trigger an avalanche of emotions, that will give me more than enough reason to hit the nearest legal purveyor of mind and mood altering substances and get the relief to which i am more than entitled to receive. that was part of what was so upsetting in my using addict experience of a few nights ago, the mirror that he provided to that part of me, that is always seeking a way back to the life of active addiction. thousands of days in a row means squat when it comes to that bit, as i am always eligible to use again, and not only have the means but the opportunity as well.
anyhow, Black Friday or not, the time has come to wrap this up and head on out to my next destination this morning. life on two legs is certainly an adventure, add an oversize brain and a bit of free-will and well you know the story…
it is a great day to be clean and you know what, just all myself to be myself, regardless of who i happen to run into, across the course of my day.
∞ DT ∞