Blog entry for:

i became so emotionally confused that i was not sure what normal emotions were by the time recovery rolled around. my emotional roller-coaster, once i started being abstinent was not much better, in fact it almost made using and its consequences seem like a acceptable alternative. i am grateful today, that i did not succumb to that temptation, as i have discovered that feelings will not kill me. i have discovered that as i progress in my recovery, i may not know what i am exactly feeling from moment to moment, but whatever i am feeling is something i need to feel. so that sounds like such a cop-out, when it is a statement of acceptance. well, it was once a statement of resignation, and it took a long time for me to move from resignation that i was going to have strong feelings, in appropriate feelings, or even feelings in general. once i made that first 1st step decision all those days ago, i had to resign to this fact of life, or else i would have most certainly used again. even today, there are times when i am resigned to the fact that i will have strong feelings, and guess what a little bit angry over that. on those days, i know something else is going on that i need to look at with the help of the people in my recovery that i have come to trust. yes i know how risky that can be, and risk taker that i am, this is one risk that i have trouble taking. after all, if i let someone know how i am really feeling, that is ammunition for destroying me at a later date, even in the here and now. so the issue of trust is so bound with intimacy for me, that i am still hesitant to proceed until my ass is falling off.
where does that leave me, and exactly where is the HOPE. by working the steps, i have learned to better identify what i am feeling in the here and now. i am learning to be present for myself and for others as i walk through my day. i also have learned that risking being intimate pays off in the long run. i GET to say how i am feeling and i get valuable feedback when i need it, a comforting hug when i need it and some plain straight forward talk and suggestions when i need it. the gifts just keep coming!
so this morning i am pissed off that my dawg is sick. anger is my replacement for worry. instead of being angry, i will clean up after him, take him for a walk, and put him back on the food that he is used to, i will call the vet in the morning and we will get through this. i have FAITH that things are how they are supposed to be, all i have to do is the next right thing and they will sort themselves out. so off for a walk to see if i can help him feel better.

∞ DT ∞