Blog entry for:

i could be satisfied and everything would be alright. i have learned that is a poor substitute for what i really was lacking. okay this is a warning to anyone who is easily offended, i will be writing about HIGHER POWER stuff, and i might even use the GOD word if i get tired of typing as i run through this topic in my mind.
what the reading is talking about, and what i have found in reality, was what i heard from someone early in my recovery, i was trying to fill a GOD-shaped holes with anything that i thought might fit, no matter how much i dumped down that hole, i could never even come close to filling it with things.
so now that i have restated the reading, do i have an original thought in my head. perhaps not, i do know that when i came to the rooms i lacked a connection with the spiritual side of life. in fact i took great pains to sever any connection that i might, in a moment of weakness, start to form. after all, GOD and all that i spiritual was for peasants, and just plain superstitious. everything had an explanation, and NOTHING needed divine intervention to explain it causes and conditions. the more adamant i became about such an outlook, the more disconnected from who i was i became. it therefore was a gift of recovery that i have developed any sort of connection with something beyond my ken, “i is becoming” one of those peasants, at least in spirit.
no one told me to stop thinking about the world and my view of it when i came to recovery. they did, however suggest that perhaps i was missing something, and that i might be better served if i opened my mind to some different possibilities. if you read these ramblings with any regularity you notice that i go back and forth over the term i use, HP, HIGHER POWER and GOD have all become interchangeable terms for me, but none of them come close to describing what i truly feel and see. that is the unfortunate part of language, it is so inadequate at expressing feelings and yes, that which is beyond the pale of day to day living. be that as it may, i understand today that what i really wanted was more, getting high that first time, felt like that was the more i was always missing. that was just a lack of experience, as i progressed into full time using, i never ever came close to that feeling of that being the more i was seeking, and as a result, here i am 4752 days later talking about concepts that i once mocked with vicious scorn.
when i allow myself to slip back into untreated addiction, that gray state between active recover and active addiction, the connection is frayed and the hole that i have filled with a the POWER THAT KEEPS ME CLEAN, starts to empty once again. that of course, activates my need to get it full and since i have allowed my connection to be diminished, i rely on the tried and true, but unsuccessful methods of my past. food, sex, power, money or even attention, to try and fill that space. the endanger for me, is once i start down this path, i know what the ultimate conclusion will be, the uncontrolled use of substances again, and that is a consequence i am unwilling to bear. that pushes me back to working a program and returning to a state of active recovery. that forces me to reestablish that connection that i have so painstakingly built and most important, that forces me to give that love away, becoming a conduit rather than a vessel.
so anyhow, today i am in a good space, i can resolve my immediate living problems by allowing myself to hear what is being told to me, and it is not that i will win $92 million dollars in the PowerBall drawing tonight. IT is that if i am diligent in working my program, i will be given whatever it is i NEED to thrive today. my FAITH is based on that and just for today, i can allow myself to live there comfortably. so it is once a gain the time to hit the streets and take care of my desire to be that much more physically fit. today i am not eating my way into a scooter, as i know that food cannot and will not provide me that which i may be missing, it is after all not GOD-shaped.

∞ DT ∞