Blog entry for:

in the manner suggested by those who have walked this path before me, is not something i ever think about. in fact, up until this morning, i did not even consider it a topic to write about. in fact, up until this morning, i never considered honor as being a spiritual principle of my recovery path. i have put off writing this, by playing with my e-mail client and was actually going to defer this exercise, until after i went and worked out. i decide, however, that i needed to do the honorable thing and write this right now, before any notion of what it may be about changes, due to circumstances. when i think about honor. it seems to fit under just doing the next right thing, for the correct reason, without any motives or hidden agendas. i know that i am far from perfect in doing that and i could use that as factoid as a weapon of mass self-destruction. what i “got” from the my source material as well as what i “heard” as i sat, was exactly that, nothing more. toxic masculinity, macho man behavior and most of what i was taught about being a man has very little to do with being honorable as i live a program of active recovery on a daily basis.
***** A RETURN FOR MORE!! *****
so i usually do not do this, but this morning, i feel it is important to write a bit more about honor and what i think it is. what i call integrity, doing what i say i will and living in a manner that is honest and open, could be considered honorable. allowing others to see me for who i am, instead of worrying about being who i think they want me to be, could be considered honorable as well. being present for my friends, family and peers, well here i go again, certainly honorable. the list goes one and one and on, the fact of the matter is, i am not sure what i need to do, to b practice the spiritual principle of “honor” when all that i do by living an active program of recovery, seems to fall under that umbrella.
moving on, however, i finally spoke to my friend yesterday and he is certainly less than honorable. i know he lied to me, more than once during his “stay-cation” from jail, he was pretty certain i thought so as well. the fact that the both of us knew when he was lying was not an issue, but when he asked me yesterday whether or not i “thought” he was lying, i said no. what i wanted to add, but it hit my filter, i knew you were lying, when you knew you were telling a lie, as your tells betray your true self to me, almost all the time. be that as it may, he has very little honor and lives in a world that still revolves around him. in fact, he gave me permission to be angry with him, which i neither desire or require. i have whatever feelings i have and i have given myself permanent and irrevocable permission to feel whatever comes up from the depths, why anyone thinks they need to say something like “it is okay if you got angry” is beyond me, as it is always alright for me to have any feeling, at any time and choose who to respond to that feeling. i am however in recovery and he, sadly, is barely merely abstinent.
it is time to put this little post script to bed and do the next right thing, which is to pack up and head out to work on my frustrating issue and to be okay with having to fret and fume over, things not working in the manner i want them to, in the instant that i desire. 😂

∞ DT ∞