Blog entry for:

as a place in which to compete with others for the fulfillment of my desires. lats night i stepped way out of my normal routine. i got a phone line call from an addict to whom i had spoken with before, and did what i could to get him to a meeting. there was all kinds of things going on inside of me, and in the end i was grateful for doing the next right thing. did it make a difference to him? probably not, BUT it made a huge difference to me. i GOT to go to a meeting i never attended before. i GOT to see a recovering addict who i had not seen in years, and who i thought would never make it and most of all, i GOT the opportunity to get myself right with the universe before dealing with someone, who to say the least was unpleasant. as i ponder the experience i am grateful that i GOT this whole gig, when i did, as i could have just as easily ended up being that addict. angry, abusive and abrasive,. that addict who never made it into the fellowship. that addict who decided he was so different and did all he could to keep the walls of isolation as high as possible. that addict who believed that i was owed something more than just the chance to find a new way of living. what made me to decide to take action instead of using the out i was given? i thought about the friend i lost, and wondered what would Carrie do? i do not know if she would have acted as i did, BUT i do know that the compassion she demonstrated was something that i could strive for in that moment. so putting aside my impressions and judgments i stepped way off my beaten track and took care of business, so to speak.
this morning, as i write this, i want to congratulate myself for being so fVcking spiritual in this instance and that whole train of thought feels wrong. what i did, i did grudgingly and even this morning, i am unclear as to my motives. be that as it may, i did not use, nor did i think about using. i did not berate, bully or condescend to the addict in my car and i did my best to steer the conversation away from the world outside towards what that addict wanted to do about our common problem -- addiction. to be totally honest, i now think that it was FEAR that drove my actions last night. saturday night after the funeral, as i sat watching TV, i had a very strange notion. in my head i planned out a trip to the liquor store to get a little something to soothe my feelings of grief. that whole chain of thoughts as brief as it was, is spooky, as drinking is not the way i ever thought i would go out. this morning, i see it for what it was, a warning that i still suck at dealing with very strong feelings and i need to redouble my efforts to live this program. a HIGHER POWER gave me what i needed to see this: a trip down relapse lane without fulfillment and another addict who in desperation called out for someone, anyone to get him out of his house and into the company of fellow recovering addicts. i can and will take note of all of this and do whatever i need to do, to stay clean today, it is after all yet another good day to stay clean no matter what.

∞ DT ∞