Blog entry for:

all about getting more, when i came to recovery. i often feel that after saying that, my next line should be: today, i am almost saintlike in my application of the spiritual principles of recovery and my acceptance of the will of GOD for me. the fact of the matter is, HOWEVER, i am nowhere close to being any sort of saint, recovery or otherwise, i still want what i want and i want it NOW! i may no longer slavishly submit to self-will and do whatever the FVCK i want to do, but i still walk around in a haze of self-interest and entitlement. the HOPE there, is that i recognize what i am doing and apply a spiritual principle or three, before i create too much chaos, havoc and damage. i know that sounds as if i am rationalizing away my bad behavior, as i try and reconcile that i have yet to meet an ideal that i set for myself, but that is the reality of who i am today.
coming back to what i heard as i sat this morning, and it certainly was not how far off the mark i happen to be today, i can look to my actions over the course of the past few weeks and see that i have become the sort of person that cares enough for those around him, to want more from them and to allow them to be a part of his life. i GOT to see my dying uncle yesterday, i got to dress up and go “trick or treating” last night, i got to hang with friends and acquaintances at a costume party on Saturday and enjoy football in a smoke-filled room with another friend yesterday. i may be going down to ignominious defeat in Fantasy Football this week, BUT i am having fun doing so. when i see where i was a year ago, spiritually and emotionally and compare it to where i am today, i can see that my spirit is undergoing a demolition and reconstruction process, as i learn who i really am and not who i thought i needed to be, to get through my every day life.
this morning i feel a bit of sunshine in my soul, such as it is. i am not all about predestination and fate, and certainly not one of those who proclaims to understand anything about GOD. i know that i am an addict, have probably always been an addict and when i took on the mantle of being too broken to be seen in public, i started a process that almost locked me in my house and spun me down into an very early demise. was it divine intervention that led me through the path of self-medication, years of using, and a trip through the justice system to the rooms of recovery? an interesting thought and one that i could write o these on. coming from a more rational side of thinking, it was my desire to at least stay out of the house that led to my first use and tripping over into active addiction. it was my need to feel better that fed that beast until it was abruptly brought to a halt that allowed me to sample life on the other side. self-will led me through that darkness and kept me clean for long enough to have the desire to get something more out of living.
today, that something more means that i give myself a break, allow myself the opportunity to take a risk or two and be okay, as i pass through those experiences, and see what is on the other side, just for today.

∞ DT ∞